One Man Army
by Wyrd Darcnyzz
Summary: Naruto is hailed as the class idiot, the “dobe.” But what he lacks in smarts, he makes up for in imagination. And with an extra technique from the Forbidden Scroll, that imagination will take him higher than anyone else. “One-Man Army” indeed...HAITUS
1. A Boy and His Scroll

One-Man Army

Naruto has long been hailed as the class idiot, the "dobe." But what he lacks in smarts, he makes up for in imagination. And with an extra technique from the Forbidden Scroll, that imagination will take him higher than anyone else. "One-Man Army," indeed…

I do not own Naruto.

He snickered mischievously.

He, Uzumaki Naruto, the worst academy student of his year, had filched the Forbidden Scroll from right under the Hokage's nose! The fact that Sandaime-ojii-chan was apparently a closet pervert helped immensely. A single application of Naruto's self-made ninjutsu, OriokenoJutsu**, **was enough to send the most powerful ninja in Konoha into a hormone-induced coma.

Although, had he known what hormones were, Naruto would have boggled at the idea of _hormones_ in the seventy-something year-old man.

He had failed his Genin exam again. He had the worst grades in his class, and while he was able to adequately perform two of the three mandatory techniques needed for passing, it wasn't enough to give him a passing grade.

Of course, Naruto didn't hold his failure against Iruka-sensei. At first, it had seemed that the academy teacher was simply being mean. But Mizuki-sensei had explained everything. He explained that Iruka-sensei was just worried for Naruto. He didn't want the boy to go out into the ninja world unprepared. But the platinum-haired chuunin disagreed. _'Mizuki-sensei sure is nice for telling me about the make-up test.'_

As the aspiring Genin sat down among the leaves and twigs that littered the ground in front of the old hut, his mind burned with thoughts of the kickass jutsu that lay within the scroll in his possession. Surely, this object was full of Awesome. With emphasis on the capital "A." The fact that it was apparently "forbidden" solidified that theory.

Alas, Naruto was not the class dobe for nothing.

He began to peel away the seal that held the scroll shut. His heart beat became more prominent. Sweat poured down his face in torrents. His fingers trembled. His eyebrows twitched with the sheer tension that filled the air.

'_Fuck it.'_ The seal came off with a light tear.

As he read through the first jutsu in the scroll, a cloud descended upon the Hokage-to-be. _'Kage Bunshin?! Another bunshin technique? Dammit…'_ But, being the stubborn, clueless guy he is, he began practicing.

One and a half hours later, an exhausted Naruto lay on the ground, heaving air like…well, like an exhausted person. Having gone to the meeting place early, he supposed he could afford a breather.

'_Wow.'_ That was the only word that the orange-clad boy could readily come up with. Having just spent over an hour creating things that would have exhausted anyone else his age, it could be said that he was running on fumes for the moment.

The young chakra prodigy stayed in his position for a few minutes more before crawling back over to the scroll. _'If one technique passes me, I wonder what two would do.'_ Little did the young lad know that that extra technique would change the course of his destiny.

Naruto shivered. _'Why do I feel like I just changed the course of my destiny? Huh. Oh well.'_

And, with his little encounter with the fourth wall behind him, Naruto continued blithely on through the scroll.

The next entry on the list of Awesome made his toes curl in nearly-orgasmic delight.

Kotei Henge no Jutsu

"This variation of the standard Henge no Jutsu creates a solid image over the body, as opposed to an illusory one. This jutsu is listed as a kinjutsu due to its extreme chakra consumption. Otherwise, there is no real difference between the two techniques. The size of the object or person the user wants to become doesn't matter, so long as there is chakra enough for the transformation to occur. Users should note that objects and people bigger or smaller than the user will need a greater level of chakra control to pull off. "

The description went on to talk about the mechanics of the technique, none of which Naruto was interested in. All he saw was "solid image." Those two words alone got Naruto to jumping around the clearing like a squirrel on crack.

Once again, we find our bumbling hero sprawled out on the forest floor, with dirt on his face and in his golden hair. His neon orange jumpsuit was ripped and smudged in places, results of sparring with his kage bunshins.

'_Heh heh… That's two techniques. I wonder how much time I have left…' _"NARUTOOO!" Iruka shouted from his place up in the trees. Naruto promptly began choking on his spit. He would have relieved himself as well, but he had gone earlier.

"Koff, koff. Eh, hack, how's it goin', Iruka-sensei?" Naruto was nervous. It was Mizuki-sensei who gave him the test, so why was Iruka-sensei frothing at the mouth? "And why are you frothing at the mouth?"

Iruka blushed and wiped the saliva from his lower lip and chin. _'Onikubi no Jutsu.'_ As the school teacher's own original technique activated, his head grew to enormous proportions as veins began to burst. "WHAT the HELL do you think you're doing?! Do you have any idea how dangerous and _important_ that scroll is?! Why would you go and steal it like that?!"

Now Naruto was confused, which he had to admit was a rather common occurrence. "What the hell do you mean?! I'm taking the make-up exam! Mizuki-sensei told me that if I can get the Forbidden Scroll from Hokage-ojii-chan's office and learn at least one jutsu from it, I can pass!"

Now it was Iruka's turn to be confused. While early genin exams weren't unheard of, he had never heard of any make-up exam for failures. His suspicions were proven true when the sharp whistle of multiple kunai pierced the air. "Naruto, look out!"

Thudthudthudthudthud

Iruka found himself nailed to the wall of the flimsy wooden shack. Multiple kunai were buried inside his body, although his flak jacket protected most of his vital points. Evil chuckling permeated the air.

"Hehehehehehe. Nice catch there, Iruka. Might have damaged the goods if I had actually hit the brat. Boy, give me the scroll now. You pass!"

Naruto just lay where he was pushed by his sensei, hugging the scroll tightly to his chest. "W-what's going on here?!"

Iruka began pulling the kunai out of his extremities. "Naruto, guard that scroll with your life! Do not let his get it! He's a traitor!" He pulled the last of the throwing knives out and staggered to his feet. "Damn you, Mizuki!"

The silver haired traitor just sneered at the crippled man. "Says the man who hates the boy." This comment caused Naruto to stare wildly at his two sensei. Seeing this, Mizuki pressed his advantage. "That's right brat! And you wanna know _why_ everyone hates you?"

"Mizuki, STOP! You know that's forbidden!" Iruka began to panic. That knowledge could crush the boy's heart! Three or four year before, he probably wouldn't have cared, but he had grown fond of the blond-haired troublemaker.

Mizuki ignored the ultimatum and continued on. "Twelve years ago, the dreaded Kyuubi no Kitsune attacked Konoha. It killed off our ninja like pigs at the slaughterhouse! In the end, the Yondaime Hokage gave his life to kill the great beast."

"Yeah, everyone knows that. What's that got to do with me?" A feeling of dread began to creep into the pit of Naruto's stomach.

Mizuki grinned in such a way as to ensure pain. "Well, he didn't kill it." "Huh?" "Mizuki, NO"

"HAHAHAHA, No he couldn't kill such a magnificent beast! It was simply too powerful! So he did the next best thing! HE SEALED IT!" His laughter became psychotic. "He sealed it in YOU! YOU are the Kyuubi no Kitsune! You are the one who killed all of those people, not to mention Iruka's own parents! YOU are the demon! NOW DIE, DEMON BRAT!" Grinning maliciously, he began to spin one of the oversized shuriken attached to his back.

Meanwhile, Naruto's world had crumbled. He was the demon fox? Impossible! But then he thought of all of the villagers. While his treatment hadn't been as bad recently, they still avoided him like the plague. It used to be that he couldn't set foot outside his door without a mob forming. Now he knew why.

Blood spattered across his face. He realized he had spaced out. Taking stock of the situation, he saw Iruka-sensei hovering over him, crying. _'When did I fall?'_ That was when he noticed the shuriken from before. He brought his eyes back up to his sensei's. "Why?" he whispered pitifully.

"Naruto, I'm so sorry. I hated you. At first, I was like everyone else, thinking you were the fox. It wasn't until you started pulling pranks that I realized that you were just like me. *sniff* When my parents were killed, I turned into the class clown, just so people would see me as something other than that poor orphan boy. My grades slipped, and I barely made Genin. I'm so sorry, Naruto, so sorry…" He dissolved into sobs.

In the meantime, Mizuki just stood there sneering. "Awww, what a heart-warming scene. Makes me want to vomit. Get outta the way Iruka. I wanna hurry up and kill the brat." Iruka's face hardened. "Run Naruto. Do not let him get that scroll."

Not needing to be told twice, and extremely out of sorts anyway, he bolted.

Mizuki groaned. "Now I gotta chase his ass. Fine. You just stay here. I'll take care of you later." With that, he left Iruka in the clearing.

Naruto leapt from tree to tree in an effort to get away from everything. Away from Iruka-sensei, away from Mizuki, away from demons and scrolls and ninjas, dead or alive. He just wanted to be alone.

He stopped behind a large tree to catch his breath. Hundreds of questions buzzed through his brain. 'Why me?' seemed to be the most prominent, though.

Two thuds sounded a few yards away. He turned to see Iruka laying against a tree, and... himself, standing in the middle of the clearing.

Iruka coughed. "Heh… How'd you know it was me?" he asked, before erupting in a cloud of chakra smoke, only to reveal Mizuki. The Naruto-lookalike also poofed. "Because I'm Iruka."

Mizuki struggled to his feet and sneered at the scar-faced chuunin in front of him. "I don't know why you're helping the demon. He killed your parents! You saw his eyes. He's like me! He will use that scroll to gain power! That's the thing a demon would do!"

Behind his tree, Naruto sighed. Even if Iruka _did_ hate him, he was still going to kick Mizuki's ass for that comment. He'd had just about enough of the "demon-brat" comments.

Back in the clearing, Iruka stared at Mizuki. He stared, and contemplated. Mizuki's words had struck a chord within him. Was Naruto really a demon? Did the boy really kill his parents? These thoughts and more flowed through his head.

He reached a decision.

In his office, the Sandaime watched intently the goings-on intently on his scrying ball. _'Come on, Iruka, you know the answer!'_

"That's true, that is what a demon would do."

Naruto was crushed. While he knew deep down that nobody would ever see him as anything but a demon, he had held out hope for Iruka. He saw Iruka as something like an older brother. '_Oh well. Guess I'd better step in now.' _He stopped, though, when he heard the next words.

"But Naruto is no demon. Naruto is one of my precious students, and I will not let you hurt him! '_Onikubi no Jutsu'_ SO BACK OFF YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A NINJA!" Mizuki promptly shat himself.

Naruto looked on in shock. His hoped had been answered! Iruka called him precious!

He was also quite surprised that the "Demon-Head technique" actually had a battlefield application. _'If he can use his technique practically, then what the hell about mine?!'_

Mizuki was grumbling about soiled pants and evil teachers. "Should make THAT technique a kinjutsu," he mumbled pathetically. "FINE! If you want to keep getting in my way, then I'll just kill you right now!" He pulled the other shuriken from his back and began spinning it at an intense rate.

Iruka watched the hand-made buzzsaw with trepidation. _'If he throws that, in my current condition, I won't be able to dodge it! Dammit!'_

Mizuki laughed insanely and winged the enormous throwing star as hard as he could. "DIE, DEMON LOVER!"

Iruka just stood in a defensive position. _'Hopefully, my vest will absorb most of the impact.'_ Time seemed to slow down as he watched the shuriken fly towards him. _'I'm sorry, Naruto. I should have been there for you.'_

A noisy –thuk- was heard throughout the clearing.

The Hokage was gobsmacked. _'He didn't…'_

Iruka, too, was most surprised, unknowingly mirroring the venerated shinobi's thoughts. _'He did!'_

In front of Iruka stood a training post. A large shuriken was buried up to the loophole in it. Mizuki was baffled.

He continued to be baffled, until the training post grew eyes. Deep blue ones. Next came the mouth. With slightly enlarged canines. It was at that point that the mouth spoke. It growled, "Stay the hell away from Iruka-sensei. I'll kill you a thousand times before I'll let you touch him."

Mizuki smirked. "Oh yeah, brat? What can a failure academy student like yourself do against me? If you really want to fight me, I'll kill you in one attack!"

The training post poofed to reveal a pissed off Naruto. He didn't respond. He just made a handseal. An inverted ram seal.

'_Whoa. That's a lot of clones.' _It goes without saying that the god of shinobi was impressed.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

The forest surrounding the little hut was flooded with neon orange. "We're not done yet!" they shouted in stereo.

Half of the clones formed the monkey seal, and were engulfed in charka smoke. The other half of the clones reached into the smoke and pulled out… swords. The term "sword" could only be used loosely, considering they were about as big as Naruto himself was.

One Naruto stepped out from the rest, sword resting lazily on his shoulder. "I told you Mizuki, I will kill you a thousand times over before I let you touch my sensei. So what was this about you taking me out in one hit?"

The Narutos grinned their foxy little grins. Mizuki was shattered. His body just didn't know it yet.

"Ehehehehe. Looks like I went overboard, ne Sensei?" Iruka just sat with his back against the wall of the hut, and his jaw against a twig lying on the ground. "N-Naruto…" "Oh, don't worry about Mizuki-teme, Sensei. The swords were blunted."

Iruka chuckled. Then he laughed. Then he guffawed. The wounds that he had bandaged up before the second half of the confrontation began bleeding again.

Naruto just stood there, in the middle of the clearing, next to a battered lump of flesh, with a confused look on his face. "What's so funny?"

"Perhaps I can explain, Naruto-kun."

The blonde boy spun around in a manner similar to his namesake. That was voice he would recognize anywhere. "JIJI!"

Into the clearing, garbed in red and white robes and hat, strode the Sandaime Hokage. "Are you well, Naruto-kun?"

The stern look on his face voiced his anger and worry more than any words ever had.

Naruto scratched the back of his head nervously. "Ehehehehe… Guess I'm in trouble, huh?"

The hokage just stared. "Are you well?"

Naruto looked down shamefacedly. "Yeah, Jiji, I'm good."

"And the fox? Now that you know it, what will you do?"

Blue eyes shot up and locked with the dark brown eyes of the most powerful man in the village. "I'm still takin' your hat!"

Sarutobi Hiruzen stood and stared, waiting, searching, for any sign of weakness in those deep blue eyes, but they didn't waver in the slightest. His face broke out into a grin. "Well then, Iruka, I believe you had something to give our little troublemaker?"

Iruka jumped. "Ah, right! Naruto, come here for a second."

The boy walked up to his sensei, nervousness written all over his face. "Umm… What's up, sensei?"

"Close your eyes, Naruto. Good, now hold still."

Naruto heard a shuffling sound, then felt his goggles being removed, only to feel them being replaced with something new. "Nani? Ne, Sensei, can I open them now?"

"Yes Naruto, you can open your eyes." Naruto was greeted with Iruka's smiling face sans his headband. "Ne, Sensei, where's your headb-b-buuhhh… Hold on a sec." A poof later, and a mirror stood before the newly instated Genin. His eyes widened.

The hokage just shook his head. "Did you really need the mirror to figure it out, Naruto? You're a ninja now, so you have to be more aware of your surroundings."

Naruto heard nothing. He felt nothing. He saw nothing, except for the spiral leaf engraved into the metal plate on his forehead. Iruka just smiled. "Congratulations, Naruto."

Naruto mumbled something. "What was that, Naruto-kun?" the aged elder asked.

"…Why?! I failed the academy graduation test three times! I can't even create a simple bunshin! I do bad on all of my tests, and the teachers are always getting on my case in the practical exams! So why the hell am I suddenly being promoted?"

"Think of it this way, Naruto-kun. An academy student just learned two Jounin-level techniques in the space of three hours. Not to mention he beat the hell out of a chuunin, right after he acquired a piece of information that would have rendered any other person a veg on the battlefield. How does that sound to you? And anyway, am I not the hokage? I believe it is within my rights as such to be able to promote whoever I want to. Are you questioning my judgement?"

Naruto stared wide-eyed at his commander. Then he straightened his back, hardened his eyes, and looked straight forward. "No, Hokage-sama. I understand you perfectly."

"Good. Now get some rest, Naruto-kun. You've had a long night, and I'm sure you're tired."

"But I feel fine!" Naruto complained loudly. The comment was immediately disregarded as he yawned hugely.

"Go to bed, Naruto. I'm giving out the class assignments tomorrow, and I don't want you coming in late because you overslept."

Naruto grimaced. "Oh, fine. You better not pair me up with Sasuke-teme! I'd rather be with Sakura-chan…" And with that, Naruto began walking from the clearing.

"Oh, and Naruto-kun?"

"Huh? What's up, oji-chan?"

"What was the name of that jutsu you used on me?"

Naruto's eyes widened. _'Oh, shit, I'm in it deep now!'_ "Um, you mean the Orioke no Jutsu?"

Sarutobi Hiruzen's grin widened unpleasantly. "Yeees, THAT one. I am labeling that technique a kinjutsu. Please try to refrain from using it in the future."

Naruto was of two minds about this. On one hand: _'Dammit, he made the pervert-slaying technique forbidden?!'_ On the other hand: _'YESSS. My very own kinjutsu!! Take that, Sasuke-teme!'_ "Sure thing, Jiji!" _'I'll just not use it very often. MeheheheheheheHEEheheHEEhehe…'_

And with that, our…hero… departed for a well deserved bowl of ramen and his bed.


	2. Of Chaos and Tests

One-Man Army

I don't own Naruto, and any other copyrighted idea belongs to the holder of the copyright. I just write this crap cuz I wanna.

For those of you wondering, there is no specific list of girls in the harem. There ARE a few definite, though:

Hinata: Quit complaining, she's too adorable to keep out of it.

Sakura: I WILL make this work. With motivation, she could be awesome, even if she DOES keep Naruto from killing Orochimaru when he goes four-tail. My friend thinks she's a whore because of that.

Anko: My inner-pervert (and outer one) just tingles when that name comes up.

Temari: Cuz she needs to get laid

Ino: cuz she also needs to get laid

Tenten: I have a special idea for her

I'm debating with myself about the femKyuu or not.

I have some pretty awesome ideas that I'm pretty sure nobody has used yet, so just bear with me, ok? I'm gunna try and get as many of them into this story as I can.

"Speaking"

'_Thinking'_

"**Demon, Inner-persona speaking"**

'_**Demon, Inner-persona thinking'**_

--------------------

Chapter 2

"Of Chaos and Tests"

He yawned. He stretched. He fell onto the floor. "DAMMIT!"

Uzumaki Naruto pulled himself off of the floor and dusted himself off. "Stupid twin sized bed…"He stumbled off to his bathroom, grumbling about tiny beds and rough carpet. "One of these days, I'm just gunna put a spring next to my bed…"

After performing his morning constitutions, he walked out to his kitchen/living room/dining room and put some water on the stove and turned it on. After waiting a few minutes, he pulled the water off of the stove and poured it into his cup ramen. Afterwards, he opened up his refrigerator to grab some milk.

…before slamming the fridge door shut again. He opened it a smidge and peeked inside. The lunchmeat flipped him off again, before returning to its make-out session with the mold growing on the cheese. "Well, geez, so-rry. Asshole." He was immediately beaned in the head with the milk jug, which appeared to be solid, judging from the huge lump now adorning his forehead.

Grumbling about freeloading bologna and his lack of (drinkable) milk, he sat down to his hearty breakfast of ramen noodles and a whole lot of nothing else. "And of course, the eggs had to pick TODAY to form a riot. Stupid poultry union…"

After gulping down several cups of ramen, he pulled on his jumpsuit, tied on his headband (which he had polished to perfection the night before), and picked up his goggles. _'Well, I might as well keep them for a while.'_ He clasped them around his neck and bolted out the door.

----------------

After a race through the village, dodging street vendors, filching bits of food here and there, and generally creating havoc, he arrived in front of his classroom door. _'That one lady was really cute. Too bad she likes snakes so much. I wonder if she's still mad that I took her dango.'_

---------------

Three man-sized snakes were slithering through the streets, tongues flicking about, trying to find one orange-clad genin. The purple-haired kunoichi behind them looked pissed. Or happy. Nobody could really tell which. They just tried to get the hell out of the way. "HEEEEEERE little brat! Come out and pLAy with AUntIe AnkO. I promise I won't hurt you too much!"

----------------

Naruto shivered. _'I don't think she's completely sane.'_

Pushing open the door, Naruto stepped into a room of silence.

Naruto blinked. The class blinked back. "Ummm…" He raised his hand in greeting. "Yo."

"Oooi, Naruto, this class is only for people who passed. What are you doing here?" Naruto just stared at him before answering. "Isn't it obvious?" He flicked the metal plate on his forehead. Nara Shikamaru just grunted and put his head back down.

The now-smug Naruto walked up to an empty seat in the fourth row. He grimaced when he saw who sat in the next seat over, but sat down anyway. After waiting for Iruka-sensei for about five minutes, a low rumbling sounded somewhere inside the building.

Inuzuka Kiba jumped out of his seat and shouted "HERE THEY COOOOOMEEEE!!" Every male in the room ducked beneath their desks and covered their ears.

By now the building was rumbling and shaking. Naruto looked over to his desk mate, one Uchiha Sasuke. "Dammit Sasuke-teme! Can't you control them?! They're YOUR fangirls!"

Said teme replied, "They're fangirls! GOD can't control them!" before putting his head back between his legs.

The door slammed open to reveal two sweating, panting kunoichi, fighting to be the first inside the doorway. The doorjamb gave away into splinters of wood and mortar, and both girls fell through. "FIRST!" they shouted in unison.

Every window in the classroom shattered.

The room was silent for a while. The dust began to settle.

Naruto peeked above the desk to check the damage. "All clear!" The signal given, the boys retook their seats and went about their business as if nothing had happened.

Meanwhile, the two oblivious girls continued arguing. "No, I won, Forehead-chan! I get to sit next to Sasuke-kun!" "You're completely wrong of course. It was completely obvious that I won, so back off, Ino-pig! He's mine!"

Both girls turned to Hyuuga Hinata, the one usually in charge of keeping track of who won these destructive little races. "Well?!"

Hinata shrunk up inside herself. Being the only girl in class who didn't froth at the mouth at the mere mention of the black haired prodigy, she was considered a neutral party, and therefore trustworthy. _'So why don't I feel happy about that?' _"S-Sakura-san won b-by a nose." She nervously began poking her fingers together. "S-sorry, Ino-san."

The blonde banshee just huffed and went up to her desk by Shikamaru. Her pink-haired counter-part squealed with joy and bolted up the stairs.

…only to stop when she saw the blonde imbecile who had the gall to sit in HER seat! "MOVE, Naruto-baka!" Without giving him a chance to reply, or even twitch, she doled out a vicious lariat to his face.

Naruto was catapulted across the desk into the seat on the other side of the brooding one. "Oowwww, Sakura-chaaan, that hurt!" "DEAL WITH IIIITT!" The flames that erupted from her mouth set his jacket on fire. "AAAAGGHHH," he shouted and began rolling on the floor.

After putting himself out (and leaving his jacket in a smoldering heap on the floor), he got back into his seat and pouted.

"Oi, Dobe." Naruto flinched inwardly. _'Don't answer, he can only make things worse.'_ "What, teme?" _'Dammit!'_

The dark-haired heartthrob smirked arrogantly. "Who'd you steal the hitai-ate from? No way you got your own." The class erupted into laughter, because apparently, they thought this was enormously funny.

Naruto didn't. He just grinned. He replied over the din, "Yeah, yuk it up, ya bastard. You're not the one who created a kinjutsu at the age of twelve." The class fell silent.

Sasuke stared incredulously at his rival. "And I'm supposed to believe that you have?" Naruto's face erupted into his trademark vulpine grin. "Yup, my Orioke no Jutsu was classified a kinjutsu last night, after I used it to knock out the hokage."

Sasuke just snorted. "Yeah right, like a useless jutsu like that, could work on the most powerful ninja in Konoha." Naruto just kept grinning. "…you're kidding. That pathetic excuse for a ninja technique actually worked?"

Naruto's grin tightened, and a vein on his forehead throbbed. "Yeah, teme, it worked." He leered at the disbelieving boy next to him. "Wanna find out hoooow?"

Sasuke began to feel a little uncomfortable. _'What is that idiot planning?'_ He heard a poof from behind him, and two fleshy orbs pushed onto his back. Blonde hair fell into his field of vision. He felt a sharp pain as teeth punctured his earlobe. A soft, seductive voice purred into his throbbing ear, "Everyone's a pervert…Sa-su-ke-kuuuun."

Sasuke spun about, flinging blood from his nose everywhere. The sight he beheld knocked him out of his chair from the force of his second nosebleed in five seconds.

There behind him stood a voluptuous blonde haired woman, hair done up into pigtails that caressed her shapely bottom. Arms were drawn up underneath her chest, further accentuating her "healthy" bust. Both bust and bottom were barely shrouded in little wisps of chakra smoke that hadn't dissipated.

Several more males (and one female) were rocketed out of their seats.

Sasuke didn't get up from his position on the ground. "Oh dear, it looks like Sasuke-kun hurt himself. Oh well." The culprit walked over to Naruto's seat and pecked him on the cheek. "See you later, Naruto-sama." To which he replied, "Thanks, Naruko-chan." A poof later, and the newly dubbed "Naruko" had disappeared.

The classroom was quieter than it had ever been before.

Suddenly, killing intent flooded the room. Naruto ceased his victory dance, his eyes wide. Looking around, he saw that all the girls in the class (except for Hinata, who had yet to get up from her hormone-induced coma) had gotten out of their seats. Eyes were shrouded in ominous shadows.

"Naaaaaaa-ruuuuuuu-toooooooo…." Sakura didn't yell. She didn't whisper. She didn't roar. She _dripped_ the name from her mouth. _'Oh shit'_

The roiling sea of estrogen, fueled by righteous fury and the hormone that induces fangirlism, began stalking forwards, slowly, inexorably forwards.

Naruto knew that he was going to die. That didn't mean he was just going to sit there and take his death lying down. _'Ohshitohshitohshit what am it gunna DO?!'_ His mind, fueled by adrenaline and fear, clicked. _'I got it!'_

He formed the monkey seal. "Chibi no jutsu!" A poof of smoke later found Naruto standing there on the floor.

Three feet tall.

His eyes grew large and began to glisten. His lower lip pushed out and began to tremble. His arms clutched an adorable little fox plushie to his chest. Previously unshed tears began rolling down his face.

The mass of female rage stopped. The killing intent dissipated.

"-sniff- P-pwease don' hurt me. I din' do nuthin,'-sniff- honest!" His diminutive voice began to tremble. His deep, expressive blue eyes, already large and glistening, grew larger and wetter. "Pwease?" He stared at the girls imploringly.

By that time, the girls had completely stopped, and stared at the diminutive boy. Oh, they all knew it was Naruto. But by that point, it didn't matter. The "Kawaii" hormone had kicked in.

Their eyes became stars. Hands came up before chests, some reaching out to the boy to pick him up.

"Kawaii…."

Another killing intent sprang up, more terrifying than the previous. _'Shit! Did someone not fall for it?!'_ Little Naru-chan began to panic inside.

A huge roar was heard. Beastly and feral it was. Girls at the back of the group began flying through the air as though thrown.

A form burst into the forefront of the group. Dark blue hair. Lavender eyes. Heaving chest. The Hinata had awoken.

And she was pissed.

She dashed over to little Naru-chan's side and embraced him. "It's okay now, Naru-chan, momma's here. The mean women won't hurt you now. WHOOO MAADE NARU-CHAAN CRYYY?" Her voice carried and echoed like a demon straight from hell.

In fact, several street vendors who set up shop outside the academy gate likened it to a mother bear from her den. They immediately packed up and shipped out.

All of the girls stepped away from Sakura and pointed at her. Ino whispered in her ear before bolting, "Good luck, Forehead. You're gunna need it."

Sakura stood as though in a spotlight, frozen in abject terror.

Hinata's eyes gleamed ethereally. Her fingers flexed. Her leg muscles bunched. "ORAAAAAA!! REVENGE!" Her attacked rendered the hapless girl before her to shreds.

…except it didn't. A diminutive hand had clasped the hem of her jacket. Blue eyes stared into white ones. Pleading. Imploring. _Begging_. Hinata instantly melted.

She picked up little Naru-chan and hugged him to her surprisingly healthy bust. "Come on, Naru-chan. You can come sit on Momma-Hinata's lap." She stood back up and walked back to her seat, carrying a small and exceedingly confused Naruto with her.

As the possessed Hyuuga passed by Sakura, she snarled menacingly. Naruto just looked at her apologetically.

Hinata sat in her seat, arranged Naru-chan into a comfortable position, and began rocking back and forth, acting as if she hadn't just turned into a feral wildcat and nearly ripped a pink haired genin to shreds with her bare hands (or claws, as it were.)

Sakura just sat in the vacant seat next to Sasuke, who had woken up with the first wave of killing intent. Her eyes were vacant, her body limp. Sasuke looked over to his new desk mate, and noticed something. _'Whoa. She's already unconscious. She's just not aware of it yet.'_ Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he just returned to staring forwards, secretly thanking Naruto for this wonderful gift of silence.

----------------

Naruto was scared. He was sitting in Hinata's lap, and she was rocking back and forth. Her body exuded a warmth that his diminutive mind lapped up like a starved dog. He wanted to relax into the motherly embrace, but he knew that the henge would dissipate the moment he let his concentration waver.

The decision was taken away from him when Hinata began humming. The soft vibrato of her voice, coupled with her warm body and rocking motions, lulled him to sleep. His eyes drooped shut, and he was out of it.

Luckily for him, the Kotei Henge didn't actually require concentration once applied. The surrounding girls just sighed with a mixture of relief and "Kawaii" hormone.

BANG! "ALRIGHT, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! Huh?"

'Twas was the scene that a bandaged Iruka walked in on: A small boy who looked suspiciously like Naruto was curled up in Hinata's lap. He looked to have just woken up, and was terrified. Every girl in the class was staring in the aforementioned boy's direction, with stars in their eyes. Sakura, seemingly comatose, was sitting in her chair next to Sasuke, and wasn't talking (read: asking him for a date). Every boy in class was sitting stock straight, even the normally lazy Shikamaru, with wide eyes and trembling hands. A few looked to be quite jealous of little Naruto's "predicament."

'_Hmmm, not that I'm complaining or anything, but this is even weirder than normal.'_ He completely ignored the shattered windows and the smoking heap of orange that used to be Naruto's jacket. Such things had become commonplace around their second year.

He sighed. "Naruto, why do I get the feeling this is your fault?"

Little Naru-chan chuckled nervously and scratched his head embarrassedly. Several more girls passed out, and Hinata growled menacingly at Iruka.

'_Dammit, this headache isn't going to go away today, is it?'_ "Naruto, get off of Hinata's lap and change back, please. And for the love of God, Sasuke, please wake up Sakura. She needs to be awake to hear the team assignments."

Naru-chan crossed his arms across his chest and pouted. Sasuke seemed hesitant to even touch the pink-haired menace. _'I know they told me to stay away from using too much chakra, but dammit, this is an emergency! Onikubi no Jutsu!'_ "NOOOOOOWWWWWW" Little flecks of spittle landed both boys' faces, but miraculously seemed to avoid everyone else.

Naru-chan looked at Sasuke questioningly. "You go first, dobe. If she sees Hinata like that, she'll just pass out again."

A poof later, and a dazed Naruto stood in front of an equally dazed Hinata. "Whoa. I didn't know that technique would change my mind too. Gunna have to watch that when I change into Naruko-chan again. You okay Hinata?"

Hinata blinked. She blinked again. "What was I doing just now?" She eeped. "N-Naruto-kun! H-how are you d-doing today?"

The conscious majority of the class facefaulted.

"Okay, teme. I think she's back to normal. Go ahead."

Sasuke grunted. A single resounding slap later, and the banshee (the pink and red one) was awake again. She looked around frantically before settling her eyes on the Hyuuga heiress. Naruto noticed where things were going and cut in. "Relax, Sakura-chan. She's back to normal." The pinkette nodded hesitantly, although her eyes never left the back of Hinata's head.

Sasuke slapped her again, just for good measure. "Teme, what was that for?!" Sasuke shrugged. "She looked like she was going to freak out again."

Iruka just watched all of the preceding events through jaded eyes. _'I'll probably be laughing my ass off later when I get the story out of Naruto, but right now, I need some happy-pills.'_

After properly sedating himself, Iruka proceeded to take roll. Naruto, finding no other place to sit, just sat in the desk next to Hinata. She nearly swooned, but stayed conscious long enough to hear the team assignments.

"…Team Seven, under Hatake Kakashi, will be Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura ("YES!" "NO!"), and Uchiha Sasuke ("NO!" "YES!"). Team Eight, under Yuuhi Kurenai, will be Hyuuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba, and Aburame Shino (both boys cringed, although it was a little harder to notice with Shino). Team nine is still in circulation from last year, so we'll skip that one. Team Ten, under Sarutobi Asuma, will be Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Chouji, and Yamanaka Ino. Please come back to the classroom in about an hour to be picked up by your Jounin senseis. Oh, and team Seven? You might as well wait a couple hours after that. Kakashi is legendary for being late to everything."

------------------

Three hour later found three pissed off genin aspirants sitting in the classroom, doing various different activities to keep themselves busy. That is to say one orange-clad tyrant was plotting different ways to kill their sensei, one pink haired psycho was asking the love of her life for a date, and one love of somebody's life was plotting different ways to kill a certain pink-haired psycho without anyone finding out.

Needless to say, they were quite bored.

Naruto eventually got up and walked over to the chalkboard. He snickered malevolently as he picked up the eraser, pulled out a small packet from a pocket inside his jacket, and sprinkled the suspiciously white contents onto the bottom of the eraser.

He then proceeded to place the tainted eraser on the top of the miraculously repaired doorjamb and walked back to his seat, looking smug.

Now the other two had watched this, each growing more and more curious. This curiosity spiked when the eraser was spiked. Finally, Sakura had had enough. "What are you doing, Naruto-baka? Thinking you'll get a Jounin with that? Puh-leeze." These thoughts were mirrored by Sasuke.

Naruto just grinned. "Just wait. You shall soon see the fruits of my labor." He chuckled malevolently.

Sasuke stared incredulously at the other boy. "…I didn't know you even knew those words, dobe."

Naruto was about to retort, when he heard footsteps echo down the hall. Each person in the room watched the door intently. While Sakura herself didn't show it, Sakura-nai, or "Inner-Sakura," was quite interested in the results of the prank. _**'I wonder what he spiked the eraser with.'**_

In seemingly slow motion, the door eased open, and a platinum head of hair poked through the doorway.

…only to be obscured by a cloud of dust and whatever Naruto sprinkled on the eraser. _'Whoa, it worked.'_ This thought was shared by all three genin.

The cloud dispersed, and showed their comatose sensei lying on the floor.

With a tent in his pants.

Both Sakuras blinked. **"Wow, he's pretty b-" **_'Don't EVEN finish that sentence.'_ "NARUTO! What in the hell did you get him with?!"

Naruto smirked. "Relax Sakura-chan. It was just a heavy dose of powdered essence of Walking Palm root. Of course, that WAS a full dose. And it was EXTREMELY concentrated. He should wake up in a few minutes, though the boner won't go away for hours. Serves the bastard right for being this late."

The scarecrow twitched. He sat up. They could see now that his facemask and headband were soaked with sweat. He sat there on the floor, breathing heavily. "Who."

That one word spoke volumes about the incredible amounts of pissed off he was. Naruto raised his hand cautiously. "U-um… serves you right?"

Kakashi's arm twitched. Naruto found himself imbedded in the wall across the room. "OWW! What the hell was that for?!" "YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T RAPE YOU FOR THE AMOUNT OF APHRODISIAC YOU PUT INTO THAT THING!!"

"THEN WHY THE HELL WERE YOU SO DAMN LATE?! DON'T YOU DARE SAY YOU DIDN'T HAVE IT COMING!!"

"I'M ALWAYS LATE!! GET USED TO IT!! DON'T DRUG ME UNTIL I PASS OUT!"

"THE PRANKS ARE ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE, _SENSEI_!"

"WHAT'S WITH ALL THE YELLING?!"

They all turned to see Iruka's demon head just inside the door.

They stared at the irate man for a second. "Thank you. I'm trying to work in the room just next door." He noticed Kakashi's prostrate form. "Kakashi, what did I tell you about Naruto?"

"Do you see what that little bastard did to me?!"

Iruka gave Kakashi a once-over. Noticing the tent in his pants, he looked questioningly at the young blonde.

Naruto smiled proudly. "Powdered essence of Walking Palm root! The real deal, not that diluted crap!"

Iruka gave him a strange look. "What, were you running out of pranking materials?"

Without missing a beat, "Naw. I just wanted him to be coherent for the team meeting."

"Ah. Anyway, Kakashi, it looks like you got off easy. He could easily have you stumbling through the halls in a drunken mess. So stop whining about having a boner and get your team up to speed."

Kakashi just stared incredulously at the school teacher like he was insane. "Huh?"

"What? Remember, Naruto was one of my pupils. I'm quite used to his antics. Not to mention I used to be quite the prankster myself. Remember? I think I of all people should be able to appreciate a good prank. I usually only get mad at him for the big stuff, because it interrupts class when he gets dragged in by the ANBU."

"What exactly is the "big stuff?"

"Oh, you know. Painting the Hokage Monument, TP-ing the Hyuuga mansion," He grinned, "painting the entire ANBU Headquarters neon orange."

Kakashi's head swiveled around, his one visible eye wide. "That was YOU?!"

Naruto's proud grin widened. So did Sakura's eyes. And Sasuke's.

Kakashi just sighed. "Alright, since it seems that I got off easy, I'll let this little incident go. Meet me upstairs in five minutes." He got to his feet gingerly.

Iruka's amused expression never disappeared. Kakashi's eye twitched. "What? You got something to say?"

"What have we learned today?" Kakashi mumbled something. "I'm sorry?"

"Don't underestimate Uzumaki Naruto."

"Good. Now get up there and introduce yourself." Kakashi began to walk out of the classroom. "Oh, and Kakashi?"

"What?"

Iruka's grin turned feral. "You might want to hide that thing. People might start getting ideas. Especially those women just outside the window there."

Kakashi's head spun around so quickly it popped. There, just outside the window, was a group of fangirls. There appeared to be a few of the yaoi strain mixed into it, if the signs were any indication.

"SQUEEEEE! KAKASHI, WE LOVE YOU!!" "WHIP IT OUT AND TAKE THAT GUY!"

Kakashi shuddered.

"Heh heh heh. I'll see you back at the apartment, Kakashi. I gotta work on next year's assignments. See you later! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" His laughter could be heard down the hall.

Kakashi sweatdropped. Adjusting his pants so that his "little chicken" wasn't so obvious, he walked up to meet his team.

---------------

The three children on the roof sat on the bench, looking expectantly at a certain scarecrow.

He was sitting cross-legged on the railing of the little space where team meetings were usually held. He was also making an effort to hide his erection from "prying eyes" (the fangirls with the binoculars on the roof across the street).

"Alright, let's introduce ourselves. I want your names, likes and dislikes, dreams for the future, favorite volume of Icha Icha Paradise, stuff like that."

Naruto started. "What was that last one?"

"Dreams for the future?"

"Whatever. Why don't you go first, sensei? You're the only person we don't really know here."

Kakashi pondered for a moment. "Hmm. Alright. My name is Hatake Kakashi. My likes and dislikes are none of your business. My dreams would give you epileptic fits. Favorite volume of Icha Icha… Nineteen. The dialogue was especially good in that one." He giggled perversely. "Alright, you next, Pinky"

Sakura scowled. "My name is NOT PINKY!" "Hello, Not Pinky. Interesting name." "SHUT UP! My name is Haruno Sakura. I like…" Here she giggled and blushed while staring at Sasuke. "My dislikes…Ino-Pig! My dream for the future…" She giggled and blushed harder this time. Sasuke and Naruto just rolled their eyes. Then she mumbled something.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Kakashi was suspicious of what she had said, but wanted to be sure anyway.

"I said…volume seven."

Sasuke and Naruto slid to the end of the bench, away from the pink psycho. Kakashi's eyes lit up. "Oooh! Don't you love the illustrations in that one?"

Sakura's eyes grew big. "Yeah! And that part where Mai…"

"And the part when Sanosuke and Chichi…"

"And that bit the bath beads?

"Ooh, yeah! Very nice. Alright, you next, Blondie." _'She may be a fangirl, but there can be no evil among Icha Icha lovers.'_

By this point, our hero was a very disturbed individual.

"Ummm…Ok. My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen, Iruka-sensei, and new techniques. I dislike the three minute wait for the ramen to heat up, and most of the rest of the senseis at the academy. Although, that kunoichi seduction class I snuck into was very informative…" Sasuke's hand flew up to his earlobe, while Sakura blushed and fumed. "Ahh, right. My dreams for the future…" His face grew serious, "I'm going to be the Hokage, and make everyone acknowledge me!" His eyes shone with determination.

'_Okay, so he's a ramen addict who wears neon orange. Considering his past exploits, though, I think it's safe to say he's far more skilled than he lets on. Interesting dream, though, considering how he grew up.'_

"Oh! And I've only read one issue of Icha Icha Paradise, but it was where I got the idea for the Orioke no Jutsu."

"Ah, Volume Twelve. Not the best, but it has it highlights. Who would have thought that such a powerful kinjutsu could have spawned from porn? Okay, Sunshine, you next."

Sasuke grunted. "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I don't have many likes-" "Red Bean Paste." Sasuke shot Naruto a glare. "and I have many dislikes." "Fangirls." Kakashi hummed in agreement. "I don't have a dream, so much as an ambition. I want to kill…a certain man." "…and repopulate his clan!" "Goddammit, Naruto! Would you shut up for FIVE SECONDS!?" "Alright, sheesh." Sasuke grunted again.

The group sat there for a second, looking expectantly at the lone Uchiha. "…What?"

Kakashi spoke up, "Aaaaaaand?"

"And what?"

This time, it was Sakura. "What's your favorite volume of Icha Icha?" Her eyes gleamed eerily.

"I've never even heard of this 'Icha Icha Paradise.' How am I supposed to have a favorite volume?"

Two gasps and one snicker sounded. "Seriously, Sasuke? I knew you hated fangirls, but I didn't know you were gay. Even I've read a volume of it. And I hate perverts!"

"I AM NOT GAY!" Snicker. "Sure, Sas-gay. Just stay away from me when I go to pick up my kunai, okay?"

"That's enough Naruto. Even if he is a dirty heathen, you can't just go around questioning people's sexuality. Anyway, I want you three to meet me at training ground seven at eight tomorrow morning so you can take the genin test."

This brought shocked looks to many a face. Three in specific, but more across the street, because Kakashi had gotten up from his sitting position, and his "little soldier" was still at attention.

"What the hell do you mean, genin test?! We already took it!"

"No, Naruto. You took the genin _exam._ That was to weed out the hopeless from the ones with potential. This test is to see if you can actually be a ninja." Here he giggled sinisterly.

"What the hell's so funny?!" Naruto was freaking out, and it was showing. _'After all that hell I went through just to graduate from the academy, I find out there's another TEST?!'_

"Oh, you're gunna love this. See, this test has a sixty-seven percent failure rate. So out of the twenty-seven that passed the exam, only nine will actually become real genin. Isn't that great?"

Naruto began hyperventilating.

"So! See you tomorrow at training ground seven! It going to be a survival test. Oh, and you might want to avoid eating until then. You'll just puke it up. Ja ne!" And with a swirl of leaves, he was gone.

Naruto jumped at the unexpected exit. "Whoa. He's gotta teach me that. Oh well. I'm gunna head home now, so I'll see you two tomorrow. Ja ne!"

And with that, he walked out the door.

Sasuke and Sakura just continued to sit for a while, before, "So…You really haven't heard of Icha Icha Paradise?"

Sasuke snorted. "Just go away." And he bolted through the door, with an Icha Icha addicted fangirl chasing after him.

--------------

The next morning at eight found two exhausted genin aspirants laying against one of the training logs in training ground seven.

Both Sasuke and Sakura had followed Kakashi's commands to the letter. Neither had eaten and both had woken up early to get to the training ground on time.

"Where the hell is that blonde baka?! I'm gunna kick his ass for being late! Right, Sasuke-kun?"

"Shut up, Sakura, I'm trying to sleep here."

They continued to wait for their two tardy teammates.

An hour later, Naruto walked onto the field to an interesting sight. Apparently, Sakura had taken a leaf from Sasuke's book, and had fallen asleep. However, at some point, she had fallen over.

Face-first into Sasuke's lap.

'_Wow. I didn't even need to make any effort. The prank set itself up. Sweeeeet.'_ He created a Kage Bunshin and had it walk over to the other side of the sleeping duo. He held up three fingers. The clone nodded. _'Three, two, one, NOW'_

Deeeep Breath. "GOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOORNIIIIING!!!"

-----------------------

Five minutes later found a single Naruto sitting with his back to the other two. "I really don't think that kunai to the face was called for."

"Shut up, dobe." Sasuke was still blushing.

"Yeah! Why don't you be quiet for once, baka?" **"CHAA Kill the bastard!!!"**

"Whatever. I come into the training ground to see you two sleeping together, how the hell am I supposed to resist? Even though Sakura-chan is the girl I like, even she isn't immune to a good prank. ESPECIALLY when the pranking god went out of his way for me."

"Oh, just shut up Naruto-baka! Why were you late anyway?! You know Kakashi-sensei said to be here at eight o'clock!"

Naruto just looked at them funny. "Y-you mean…No, I'm the dobe, and even I saw through that little trick."

"What are you talking about?!" **"CHAA Get to the point already!"**

"Seriously? Wow, didn't you get the best academic grades in the class, Sakura-chan? Iruka-sensei told us yesterday that Kaka-sensei was legendary for being late to everything. When Kaka-sensei told us to be here at eight, I took it to mean ten. But I wasn't sure, so I came at nine, instead. Maa, I guess that means you guys didn't eat either, huh?"

Two gurgles replied.

Naruto sighed. "I guess it's just because I'm an experienced prankster that I saw through him. It's a good thing I ate."

"WHAT?! Naruto, he told us NOT to eat!"

"No, he didn't. He told us we MIGHT want to AVOID eating, because we would just puke it up."

Sakura blinked. Then she hung her head.

"Don't worry about it, Sakura-chan. I brought some food for you guys. You aren't pranksters, so I didn't really expect you to see through his trick. They should be here any second now… Ah! Here they come!"

With that, two Kage Bunshins walked onto the field. Each carried a small to-go box. "I know it's probably not what you guys normally eat for breakfast, but it was the best I could do on short notice."

One Kage Bunshin walked up to Sakura, bowed, and poofed, leaving the small box on the ground before her. She opened up the box, and her eyes lit up as they beheld a full plate of dango. She looked up at Naruto, eyes gleaming childishly. "Thank you, Naruto-kuuun!" **"Hey! He's not so bad!"**

Sasuke's box was tossed at his feet. He opened it up to see riceballs smeared with red bean paste. His stomach rumbled. He looked suspiciously up at Naruto. "What did you do to them?"

Naruto glared at the stuck up bastard. "Just eat it and be grateful I even bothered to get you anything, Teme!"

Sasuke hmphed, and dug into his riceballs.

Another five minutes later, Naruto was sitting on top of one of the training posts, Sakura sat against the next one over, and Sasuke sat facing them.

Sasuke broke the silence. "So, what do we know?"

Sakura thought for a moment. "Not much, I guess."

"We know he doesn't think in a straight line."

Pink and Black looked at Yellow. "What are you talking about?"

"Well think about it. Yesterday, he told us not to eat and he told us to be here at eight. Obviously, he wasn't planning on being here at eight o' clock. And if your guys' stomachs were any indicators, you would have been fairly useless on the field. And considering he said that it would be a survival test, being hungry on the field would be a big no-no, right?"

Sasuke and Sakura shared a look. _'He got all of that from just ten minutes of paying attention? What would he be like if he had paid attention during class?!'_

Sakura perked up suddenly. "Wait a sec. I think I remember Iruka-sensei saying something about that in class once! Something like 'looking underneath the underneath.' Maybe that's what Kakashi-sensei was trying to get us to do?"

----------------

In his tree off to the side of the field, Kakashi was impressed. _'If they keep going at this rate, then maybe there's a chance for them yet.'_

----------------

Sasuke spoke up. "Okay, so it's pretty obvious that we should avoid taking anything he says at face value. We can't really come to any more conclusions until he gets here and actually describes the test, though. We'll just have to wait a while."

"Bah, and I warned him, too! He's gunna get it bad if he keeps us waiting much longer."

----------------

'_Well, that's my cue.'_ The coward.

----------------

Poof. "Yo."

"YOU'RE LATE!!" Kakashi looked bored.

"Really Naruto, the pot calling the kettle black?"

"…Yeah well, I was expecting you to be late."

"Well, whatever. I had to help an old lady fight off some thugs with nothing but two straws and a broken chopstick."

"Did you win?"

Kakashi was nonplussed. "Huh?"

Naruto pressed on. "Did. You. Win? Really, sensei, for a Jounin, I would think you'd be a lot better at lying."

'_Nice, Naruto! Keep him on his toes!' _**"CHAA That's right! Oh yeah! Us:1, Sensei: ZERO!"**

"Well, I didn't really expect to have to go that far into it."

"Just goes to show you not to underestimate me!"

'_Damn, he's right. Iruka warned me, too. Not even five minutes into the test and I've already screwed up. Get your head in the game, Kakashi!'_

"Maa, let's just get this started, okay?" He pulled a small alarm clock from a bag he was carrying. "I'm setting this for eleven o'clock. Before this alarm goes off, you must each get a bell from me." Here he held up two small bells.

"But Sensei, there are only two bells!"

"Hmmmm… So there are. Well, let's put it like this. Whoever doesn't get a bell will be tied to the stump, and will be forced to watch as I eat their bento." Here he pulled three bento boxes from the bag. The noticeable lack of rumbly tumblies set him off a bit.

"…You guys already ate, didn't you?"

They nodded. "Naruto brought us some food when he got here."

'_Well, damn. That's twice he's caught me off guard now. What's this kid's IQ, anyway? I heard one of Asuma's kids was a closet genius. Could Naruto be one, too?'_

"Kinda hard to prank the best prankster in Konoha, Sensei."

'…_or not.'_

"Oh, well. Whoever doesn't get a bell will also be sent back to the academy, so don't get too cocky."

Sakura immediately perked up at this. She caught her teammates' eyes and twitched her head into the forest. They nodded ever so slightly.

None of this went unnoticed by the resident ninja expert.

"Well, let's started then, shall we?"

He set the alarm. "Aaaand, Hajime!"

Three swooshes and the field was minus three ninja-to-be.

'_Well, crap. Looks like I might have to actually pass this bunch. There goes all my free time. It'll be worth it though when I tell Tenzo who painted the Headquarters.'_

Hatake Kakashi grinned malevolently.

----------------

Pink, Black, and Yellow converged together in a clearing after separating from Kakashi.

"What's up, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura blushed as all the attention was focused on her. "W-well, remember when we did that survival training in the academy? Iruka-sensei took three of us and put us under the care of a genin who took us out into the woods or the mountain. Remember?"

The boys nodded. Naruto remembered that, because he had ditched his genin escort the first chance he had gotten. She had found him later on, chowing down on ramen at Ichiraku's.

'_I wonder how that girl is doing… With those three dogs of hers, I'm surprised she didn't find me quicker. What was her name? Hama, Haya…'_

He was jarred out of his musings with a violent haymaker, courtesy of the resident psycho. "Pay attention, dumbass!"

-----------------

Kakashi winced. _'That had to hurt. If that's the norm between those three, I wouldn't be surprised if it was her fault Naruto did so badly in the academy. He must have gotten a concussion!' _He was even more shocked when Naruto got up and brushed himself off like nothing had happened.

-----------------

"Anyway, whenever Iruka-sensei brought up those survival exercises, he always stressed the three man teams we were put in. When have either of you ever heard of a two-man genin cell?"

Naruto looked at Sasuke. "Looking underneath…"

"…the underneath. I got it. The question is, why? Why would he go out of his way to set us against each other? Ideas?"

Naruto pondered. "Well, I remember during that survival training, Hana-chan_ 'That was her name!'_ was always talking about the teamwork she had with her three dogs. Maybe that's what Kaka-sensei is trying to tell us? Use teamwork?"

The gears in Sakura's head were turning a mile a minute. "Well, he IS a jounin. Even if he doesn't act like it, he IS one of the elites, so there's a good chance that working alone will get us nowhere. But setting us against each other would discourage teamwork."

Naruto grinned. "But with Kaka-sensei's habit of not thinking in a straight line, teamwork is probably what he was thinking all along!"

---------------

'_Damn, they got it. But can they implement it?'_

---------------

"Okay, so we have to make a plan to get those bells. Naruto, you're the resident prankster here. You got any ideas?"

Naruto looked startled. "Wow, Sasuke. Finally admitting my greatness? I knew you'd come around." He grinned smugly.

"NARUTO-BAKA! Don't insult Sasuke-kun like that!"

"Fine, fine. Hang on a second." He formed an inverted Ram seal. The clearing was filled with Narutos. "Alright guys, I'm sure he's around here somewhere! We don't need him spying on us! Kick his ass for a while, okay?"

A chorus of "HAI" and then "ORAAAAAAAAA" rang through the clearing, before the clearing became quiet.

"Umm, Naruto?"

"Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"What was that?"

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! Ain't it awesome? It creates solid clones! Not like the academy jutsu, where the clones are only pictures."

"I see. And when exactly did you learn such a powerful technique?"

"Why? You jealous, teme? I can also make a solid Henge. That's how I was able to be held by Hinata like that."

They stared at him.

"…She scares me for some reason."

Sakura snorted. "Gee, I wonder why. Think maybe it's because the quietest, shyest girl in class suddenly turned into a monster when she saw Naru-chan?"

Naruto blushed. "I didn't think she would react like that…"

Sasuke was getting fed up. "Enough. Naruto, how long do you think your clones can hold him off?"

"Well, they can only take one or two hits before they pop, but I made about a hundred of them, so I'd give us about ten minutes."

"Good. We need to come up with a plan before then."

-----------------

'_That was pretty good, Naruto. Using your clones to drive me away while you form a plan was a pretty good use of foresight on your part. I wonder what they came up with.'_

He jumped. A hail of kunai and shuriken struck the ground where he stood. "That's pretty good, Sasuke. Anything else?"

The blue and white clad genin jump out of the tree line and charged the jounin head on. "Don't underestimate me! I'm not like those other two!"

Following those words, Sasuke engaged Kakashi in a heated taijutsu battle. Quick jabs were easily brushed aside and kicks were dodged. Finally, Sasuke got fed up.

He jumped back to gain some distance between the two. Kakashi just stood there without a care in the world. "Wow, Sasuke, you're right. You aren't like those other two. But it's the nail that sticks out the most that gets pounded down the hardest."

"DON'T LOOK DOWN ON ME!" With that, he charged again, going into a running leap that became a vicious overhead ax kick. It was blocked by an arm. Still supported by the arm, his other leg cam down towards the scarecrow's temple, only to be blocked by the other hand.

At this point, keeping his balance sideways with only his foe's arms supporting him was becoming difficult, but he still had some momentum left. In a brilliant act of contortion, his torso spun and launched his left fist straight at the man's solar plexus. Kakashi's left hand moved down to catch the hand before it could impact. Unwinding his torso, Sasuke smirked

'_Gotcha.' _His right hand shot out towards the two bells attached to the other man's belt loop. He just barely manage to get a finger on them before Kakashi violently pushed away, landing a few meters away.

"That was pretty good, Sasuke. You almost had them." He was puzzled by the boy's next words, however.

Sasuke smirked. "Who said I was trying to take them? NARUTO, SAKURA, I GOT HIM!" With those parting words, he jumped back into the treeline.

'_Huh?'_ He heard a short hiss, before his right hip exploded.

He was able to get away from most of the damage by jumping into a tree on the other side of the clearing, but was unable to save his pants. A small tinkle, somewhat like the sound of bells, alerted him to the true meaning of the localized explosion.

Two silver bells sailed through the air before landing next to a rock that _definitely_ wasn't there before. The rock grew a hand and snatched the bells up, before resolving back into Naruto. He grinned.

"Looks like we got the bells, sensei. You gunna pass us?"

"That's great, Naruto. But who gets a bell and who doesn't?"

Naruto's vulpine grin widened. He tossed a bell to Sasuke, who landed next to him. Sakura also jumped out of the tree line and landed on the other side of the orange genin.

"So, you gunna pass us?"

"What about Sakura, Naruto? Are you just going to leave her in the dust?" Kakashi was somewhat disgusted with the outright display of treachery.

Sakura smiled pleasantly. "While I thank you for the concern, Sensei, it really isn't needed." She pulled a suspiciously orange book from behind her back. "Ne, Sasuke-kun. Your family specializes in fire techniques, right?"

Kakashi blanched and searched his kunai pack, only to see the conspicuously empty slot where his book would normally be. "NO! That's the very first volume, signed by the author! Don't burn my precious!" He began to break down. "How…? When…?"

"Sakura-chan doesn't have very much chakra, so it wasn't all that hard for her to sneak up behind you in your tree and nab it from your kunai pack when the flap came open during the explosion."

Now, Sasuke spoke up. "And during our taijutsu match, when I touched the bells, I stuck a torn-off corner of an explosive note to them. That's what created the explosion."

Kakashi was gobsmacked. Dumbstruck. Even a little surprised. _'I can't believe I just got outwitted by a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears genin.'_

He sighed. _'The worst part is, I KNOW they'll destroy that book if I say no.'_ "Fine, fine. You all pass."

He eye-smiled. "Congratulations. You guys are the first genin team I've ever passed! Now can I have my book back, please?"

-----------------

They walked back to the training posts, where the alarm clock read five minutes until it went off. Upon closer inspection, Kakashi noticed that the second wasn't ticking. _'Those stupid Kage Bunshin must have done it when they were distracting me.'_

He sighed.

"Alright guys. Sit down for a minute. I want to show you something." He walked over to a black monument sitting off to the side of the posts.

"Do you guys know what this?"

The genin shook their heads.

"This is a monument to all of the shinobi and kunoichi of Konohagakure who have exemplified themselves. Every name on this list was a person who performed great deeds in the name of the village."

Naruto perked up. "Alright! I want to be on that monument too!"

Kakashi's one eye drooped. "No Naruto, you don't."

"Huh?"

"Naruto, this is a list of ninja who were listed as KIA. Killed in Action. Every name listed here is dead."

Naruto's face fell, then turned contemplative. "So…I suppose he is on that list, too?" he asked demurely. His hand absently rubbed his stomach.

Kakashi noticed the gesture. "Yeah, Naruto. He's here." He pointed to a specific name on the list.

Naruto got up from his spot on the ground and walked over to the monument. He traced his fingers over the letters engraved into the huge chunk of obsidian. _Namikaze Minato._

He knelt down. His eyes began to water as he thought about the one who had died to simultaneously damn him to a life of hell and save the village he had sworn to protect. He began whispering, and it was all the rest of them could do to hear what was said.

"Heya, Hokage-sama. It's me, Naruto. I hope you're watching from inside the Shinigami's stomach, cuz I'm taking your hat."

Kakashi knelt down beside his student. "You have no idea how proud he would be to hear you say that, Naruto."

Tear-stained eyed turned towards one cyclopean one. "Really, Sensei? He didn't do this to me out of spite or something like that?" he sounded so hopeful, that it was all Kakashi could do to keep from spilling the beans right there.

"No, Naruto. I can honestly say that he loved you like his own child. The only reason he picked you was because he couldn't bring himself to ask another family to make a sacrifice that he himself wasn't willing to make. Just know that he never had any ill will towards you when he did the deed."

Naruto nodded. "Thanks, Kaka-sensei. I WILL be on this stone when I die." His eyes shone with a determination that the scarecrow hadn't seen since his own sensei had died on that fateful day.

"I don't doubt it Naruto. I don't doubt it in the slightest." He stood up. "Well guys, meet me tomorrow right here at eight o'clock to start taking missions. Remember to get your pictures taken for your ninja file."

"Kaka-sensei, I'm gunna head straight home for right now. I have some thinking to do. I'll see you guys later, okay?" He waved and walked away.

Sakura watched his retreating back sadly. "Sensei?"

"Don't ask, Sakura. When he wants to tell you, he'll tell you. It's not my place to give up his secrets. Anyway, you two should head home, too. We got a big day tomorrow. Ja ne." and he poofed away.

Sakura turned to Sasuke. "Did we miss something?"

Sasuke just shrugged. "Whatever it is, it has something to do with the Fourth Hokage. Hn. I'm going home, now. See ya." He walked off.

Sakura stood in the field, alone, wondering just how much everyone knew about the "blonde baka" known as Uzumaki Naruto.

----------------

Hatake Kakashi sat in a tree on the edge of the field, looking up to the Hokage Monument. _'How much longer, Sensei? When will he find out?' _He hopped off of his branch and strode out of the field.

He would have some words with Hokage-sama.

----------------

EDIT:Alright ladies and gents, I got a bad review for this chapter, so I took a look at it, and realised it was indeed crap. So I went over it a bit and changed a few things. It's nothing big, but I hope the changes make it easier to read.

Well ladies and gents, here's the second chapter. Hope you like it.

I got a few things to say.

First off: The next two or three chapters are going to be fillers. I might redo a few of the filler episodes, but at any rate, I need to set up for some parts of the harem, and I can't do that with just the normal arcs. So the wave arc won't start until chapter four or five.

Second: I nearly swooned when I saw that peopled liked my story. That's awesome because this is my first fanfiction ever published. I'll try my best to keep this one going for a long as possible, and I'm aiming for going until Naruto leaves for the three year training mission.

Thirdly: I DO have other ideas going through my head. So expect other stories once I get the momentum for this one going.

Finally, is it me, or is Ino's last name **really** fun to type? Yamanakamanakamanakamanakamanakamanakamanakamanakamanakamanakamankamanakamanaka…

TBC


	3. Of Brats and Bitches

Third chapter of One Man Army starts the fillers. I'm gunna try for a little Hanabi action, too, although she's going to be a little older so I can keep a clear conscience. Also, I've settled on not making it a femKyuu fic, but worry not loyal fans! I have come up with a similar-but-different situation concerning that. Here's a hint: You've seen her before, and she'll be hinted at in greater detail in this chapter. Have fun!

--

Chapter 3

"Of Brats and Bitches"

He yawned. He stretched. He fell onto the floor.

Or rather, he fell onto the oversized spring he had placed right next to his bed the night before.

"GAH!"

Unfortunately for him, the spring he had picked wasn't very strong, so he just ended up getting tangled in a mass of highly tensile wire.

After fighting with it for fifteen minutes, he finally got fed up. A monkey seal later, and he was bigger than his bed. The spring snapped, and with it, the henge, leaving a surprisingly exhausted Naruto lying on the floor.

'_What the hell?! Why am I so exhausted just from that? I can't have used THAT much chakra! Unless…Is it chakra control? I remember something about that in the scroll. Well, I guess I have something work on now.'_

After recovering his breath, he got up and went to the fridge. Intent on getting out the milk for his breakfast, he stopped when he remembered the events of the day before.

He reached behind the fridge to grip the SPAZ-12 shotgun he had bought a while back. He pulled the black lacquered powerhouse out and cocked it, readying it to blow the shit out of the insolent lunchmeat.

Now, while not actually used in ninja warfare, guns did exist. The SPAZ-12 was actually a relic from the police force of the old world, but he had bought it cheap from some peddler of antiques who had stopped into town for the day.

At first, he had bought it to defend his apartment from overly-vindictive villagers and the occasional ninja. However, with time, he realized that it was also good for exterminating certain _other_ hostile life forms.

Namely the stuff that grew in his fridge. And that bologna was getting just a little too insolent for the ninja-turned-tyrannical dictator. _'This is MY fridge, dammit! What I say goes! And no piece of rotten meat is going to usurp my position!'_

With that, he slowly eased the fridge door open.

BLAM! Shick-chick, BLAM! Shick-chick, BLAM!

"AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!" The lunchmeat clutched the mortal wound it had been dealt by the orange one's blind firing of the thunderstick. It looked towards the dairy tray, where its lover resided. Its "hand" reached out in a vain attempt to reach the one it called "love."

The mold on the cheese was mortified. While not possessing any specific gender, it reacted in a manner reminiscent to someone who just watched her lover get blown to pieces. "NOOOOOOOooooooooooo!"

Shick-chick, BLAM!

The mold was destroyed in a torrent of steel pellets.

Naruto began laughing insanely as the eggs cowered in their little carton. "NO ONE SHALL TAKE MY THRONE! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Naruto?" He stopped abruptly. His head creaked as it turned slowly towards the intruder sitting in his window.

"S-sensei? Exactly how long have you been sitting there?" _'Shit! Now he's gunna think I'm some kind of nutcase!'_

"Long enough, Naruto. Anyway, I just stopped by to give you this fruit basket. You need to eat more stuff besides just ramen."

Naruto snorted. "It'll make you taller." "GIMME THE FRUIT, MAN!"

Kakashi chucked inside his head. _'Hehehehe. Yeeees, eat the fruit, Naruto. I'll get you back for what you did to me yesterday. Yeeesss, I will.'_

Naruto took a bite out of one of the pears. "Mmm! You know, this stuff ain't half bad! Oh, and just so you know, Sensei, I've always healed really fast. I've never gotten sick in my life. So your little attempt at getting me back for yesterday ain't happening."

"GODDAMMIT!"

Naruto found Kakashi's reaction to be enormously funny.

--

Naruto knew that Kakashi wasn't going to be at the training ground at eight. It was for this reason that he decided to get his picture for his file taken care of.

He walked into the reception area for the Hokage's office. The secretary looked at him snootily. "What do _you_ want?"

Naruto's eye twitched, but he held his irritation in check. "I need to have my picture taken for my ninja file."

The annoying secretary's eyes widened. She blurted out, "They actually let YOU be a ninja?!"

"No Genius, the headband on my forehead is just for decoration. Can I get my picture taken now?"

The secretary blushed, although whether it was because of anger or embarrassment, Naruto could not discern. "He's with someone right now, so you'll have to wait a few minutes."

"Whatever. I'm just gunna go sit over here." The secretary just humphed.

--

Five minutes later, someone walked down the staircase leading up to the roof where the pictures were being taken. Someone Naruto didn't recognize. Although he thought she looked a bit familiar.

Hyuuga Hanabi, age 10, was quite proud of herself. She had just passed the genin exam! Unlike her sister, who had only just graduated at the age of twelve, she was considered a prodigy. Perhaps the best Hyuuga prodigy since Neji-oji-san!

She was at the Hokage tower to get her picture taken for her ninja file. She giggled inwardly when she thought of the funny man who manned the camera. Of course, she could only giggle _inwardly_. She _was_ a Hyuuga, after all. A Hyuuga DOESN'T giggle!

She stopped in her tracks at the bottom of the stairs. There, sitting in a seat waiting for his turn, sat Uzumaki Naruto. _'Papa says I should stay away from him, but Onee-chan thinks he's the best thing since the Hyuuga clan. I wonder what's so special about him.'_

"Yo." She snapped out of her daze and glared at the urchin. How dare he talk to her so casually?! "What do you want, urchin?"

Naruto of course took this totally wrong. "Hey! You got something against my hair, brat?!"

Hanabi immediately bristled at the insult, although she was a bit confused about the hair comment. "Hey, watch what you say to me, peasant! Don't you know who you're talking to?! I'm Hyuuga Hanabi, the daughter of Hyuuga Hiashi, the clan head of the Hyuuga Main Family!"

Naruto just stared blankly. "Huh?"

Hanabi was gobsmacked. _'He's never heard of us?!'_

"Oh, wait! Hyuuga, right? Are you related to Hinata?"

The girl deflated. "Yes, Hinata is my older sister." She replied flatly. _'The only reason he knows of us is because of my failure sister? He must have a pretty low opinion of our clan. I'll just have to teach him-'_

"Cool! Hinata kicks ass!"

"Huh?" Hanabi replied intelligently.

"Yeah! Like, the other day, when I used my newly created Chibi no Jutsu to stop the Horde™, she was all like, "ORAAAAAA," and I was like, "Wait! Don't hurt them!" and she was all like, "Okay! You can sit in my lap!" and then she picked me up, cuz I was still in my chibi form , you know? And she put me on her lap and started rocking back and forth and humming and I fell asleep! But then Iruka-sensei came back into the room and yelled real loud and woke me up and"- here he took a breath- "then he made me get offa her lap and change back into normal, and I looked back at Hinata to ask if she was okay, and it was like she didn't even remember a single thing that happened! That's why I don't think she's completely sane. But she's still cool! You must be really cool too, huh? Cuz ur leik her sis an' stuff an' leik omg rox0rz lmao rofl-"

"SHUT UP!"

He shut up.

"I think my ears are bleeding…So what's this about my sister being insane?" she asked weakly.

For the next ten minutes, Naruto went over all of the events of the previous day in the academy. At the end of the tale, one might walk into the room and see the child of the head of the most prestigious clan in Konohagakure rolling on the floor, laughing her ass off, blood leaking everywhere due to her still-bleeding ears.

"Hey brat, are you going to go and get your picture taken or what? The photographer doesn't have all day, you know."

Naruto looked up, annoyed at the stupid secretary for cutting his time short with the fun little brat. "Fine, whatever. Hey brat, you're pretty fun. We should train together some time! Maybe I can get Hinata to do that crazy thing again. I gotta go now, so I'll see you later, okay? Bye!" And with that, he sped up the stairs to meet his destiny (or maybe just the photographer, one or the other).

Hanabi stood up after recovering her breath. She glared imperiously at the secretary. "You tell NO ONE about this, GOT IT?!" The blush on her cheeks ruined the effect though. The secretary just nodded nervously.

The dark haired girl walked out of the tower with a flustered look on his face. _'Ok, so maybe Otou-sama was wrong about him. I still don't see what Onee-chan sees in him though.'_

The blush on her face had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that a cute blonde haired kid had made her laugh harder than she had ever laughed before. _Absolutely_ nothing.

--

Naruto walked up the stairs to the roof. He sat down on the stool. He sat up straight. He looked towards the camera. He shit his pants.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" He bolted.

--

Hatake Kakashi was satisfied as he pulled off the clown mask he wore. _'Wow. I know the profile said he hated clowns, but I didn't know it was THAT bad.'_

He pulled the picture out of the camera. _'Heh heh heh. I'm gunna hold this over his head for soooo long.'_

Poor Kakashi just didn't know what he was getting in to.

--

Naruto had recovered. He still _hated_ clowns, but he had recovered. And after thinking about it for a bit, he realized that there was only one person who could have been responsible for the little gag.

'_Oooh, well played, Kakashi-san. Weeeell played. But you know what they say about stepping on a fox's tail.'_

He grinned malevolently.

'_A curse be upon you.'_

--

Kakashi was having a wonderful day so far. He had finally gotten his student back for the prank he had pulled on him! It had taken forever to ditch those fangirls. _'Good thing I had that spork with me, or else I'd have been a goner.'_

He felt a chill run up his spine at the thought of the blonde genin, though. _'Why do I get the feeling that I did something very bad?'_

A dog howled in the distance.

'_I wonder how Tenzo is doing…Huh?'_

He smelled something…off. He looked down.

There on the ground underneath his foot…was a puddle.

A purple puddle.

The dog howled again, closer this time. Another answered its call, on the other side of Kakashi.

A sense of dread spawned in the pit of his stomach. He thought he imagined the words "A curse be upon you" whispered in the wind.

The dogs howled some more, closer again, and more still joined the chorus.

Kakashi began to run. The howling changed to short barks and yips.

…which followed him. They were catching up. He rounded a corner, and stopped.

He was surrounded. Before him sat the Haimaru Sankyodai. Inuzuka Hana's ninken. Inuzuka Hana's _very well trained_ ninken.

'_Shit. Gotta run away. No way am I going to tangle with those three raptors.'_ He turned to run the other direction.

He stopped again. There sat Kuromaru, Inuzuka _Tsume's_ ninken. It spoke.

"Why do you smell like that?" It didn't sound happy. "Smell like what?"

"That's a chemical compound that is made specifically for our family's dogs, Kakashi-san." He swiveled his head to look up at the wall, where the new voice had originated from. "Where did _you_ get your hands on it?"

Inuzuka Tsume looked just about as happy as her canine companion.

"Just out of curiosity, what does this chemical do?" Kakashi had the feeling that he didn't want to know.

Tsume grinned eerily, revealing unpleasantly sharp canines. "Why, it's a chemical that is used to breed dogs."

"In other words, Kaka-sensei, it makes dogs _reeeeeaaaaly_ horny. And you just stepped in it. What are the odds that someone would have spilled such a powerful mix right where you would step?"

Sigh. "Naruto."

He looked to the other side of the wall. "Hiya, Sensei! No hard feelings?"

Sigh again. "No, Naruto, no hard feelings. I know when I'm outmatched."

"Good. So you're not going to try and get me back again? Cuz if you do, the Hyuuga women will start seeing a silver haired pervert peeping on them in their private hot springs. And you know how women are about perverts! And _I_ know how the Hyuuga are about their hot springs."

He smiled thinly. "I wouldn't want something to _happen_ to my sensei before he could even teach me something, after all."

Naruto's face brightened from its evil expression. "Ja ne, Sensei! I still gotta get my picture taken, cuz some hooligan dressed up as a clown to scare the hell outta me! Boy, I sure hope he gets what's coming to him. I know you won't mind me being a little late, right Sensei?"

He looked pointedly at the three "happy" looking dogs and the one pissed off one. "I somehow get the feeling you're going to be a little later that usual today."

Hatake Kakashi, one of the most powerful and feared ninja in the world, ran like a bunch of horny dogs were on his tail.

"Oi, brat." Naruto tensed. "Umm, right. Sorry, Tsume-sama. I can pay for the cocktail if you want."

Tsume just smiled congenially. "Oh, don't worry about it, Naruto. I've already told Hana you'll be stopping by later for your first mission. You'll be helping her _catch_ every last dog you sent to crazytown with your little escapade here today."

Naruto paled. She sounded entirely _too_ cheerful.

"She can't _wait_ to see you again."

The blonde heavyweight prankster winced. "She's still mad about the whole botching of the survival exercise, isn't she?"

"Oh, of course not! That's ancient history, she said, although she _was_ really pissed about that."

Naruto sighed in relief. "She is, however, still mad that you left the bill for your ramen for _her_ to pay off. She finally paid it off in full last week, and now she can finally keep some of her money!"

"Of course…"

"She was _so_ happy that she paid it off, in fact, that she went and splurged right away!"

"Do I even want to know what she bought?"

"Oh let's see. There were some ANBU-grade kunai and shuriken, I know that. I think she also bought a brand new orange collar and leash. She seems really keen to use them."

Sigh. "Well, I'll see you in a while, Tsume-sama. I'm gunna go write my will quick."

"Have fun!"

"Guh…"

--

Tsume smiled to herself. _'This afternoon is gunna be so much fun!'_

She sped off in the direction that Kakashi had run in. _She_ wouldn't be the one to let such a good prank go to waste. She was going to watch every last second of the chase.

It would surely be epic.

--

Naruto sauntered back into the Hokage Tower. The secretary glanced up from a paper she was signing, only to grin smugly. "Well, well, look who's back for more. Finally going to get your picture taken, or are you going to jump over the side of the tower this time, instead of spreading the smell of crap everywhere, like last time?"

Naruto just smiled innocently, by which the woman was taken aback. _'Why is he smiling like that? It's so innocent, yet so out of place…'_

"If you ever tell anyone that I'm scared of clowns, EVER, your house will be the target of the worst paint-bombing the world has ever seen."

She paled. When the most infamous prankster in the village told you he was gunna getcha, he was gunna getcha. In the worst way possible.

"Kaka-sensei stepped on the fox's tail with that prank of his. He is now running away from a rather large pack of very horny Inuzuka ninken right now. If you see him, tell him I'll be at the training ground at about eleven, okay? Ja ne!"

He sped up the stairs, leaving one very shaken secretary sitting in her desk.

--

After getting his picture taken, Naruto had to go and give it to the Hokage.

SLAM! "Hey Jiji! I got my picture taken! What now?"

The Hokage was sitting in his chair, staring into his crystal ball intently. "Just a moment, Naruto-kun. I'm watching the results of your little revenge against Kakashi right now. Care to come and watch?"

"OOOH, how's he doing?" Naruto bolted to the Hokage's side and stared into the ball.

At some point, Kakashi had tried to summon his own ninken to distract the Inuzuka family ones, only to have them turn around and launch themselves at him.

Kakashi was now standing in the middle of a lake, looking frantically for a way out. Naruto laughed when some of the dogs didn't even stop at the water's edge, they just kept walking on top of it.

"Wow, he's screwed huh?"

Sarutobi chuckled. "I bet you're feeling quite proud of yourself, aren't you?"

Naruto frowned. "I _hate_ clowns. You step on the fox's tail, you get the curse, right Jiji?"

The aged shinobi's smile faltered a bit. For a moment, he had seen a side of Naruto nobody had ever seen before. _'I don't like where this is going.'_ "So what was this about your picture, Naruto-kun?"

"Ah, right! After I dealt with Kaka-sensei, I went and got my picture taken for real. So here it is!"

"…"

"Well?"

The Hokage sighed and rubbed his head. "Naruto…why is your female form in the picture too?"

"Because every time I create Naruko-chan, she always seems to have the same memories as the last one I made. I noticed that when I summoned her against Sasuke-teme in the classroom yesterday."

"…I see. May I meet Miss "Naruko?"

Naruto's eyes gleamed. His smile widened, showing off his unnaturally large canines. The hairs on the back of the most powerful ninja in the village's neck began to stand up.

"Okay, Jiji."

Poof. "Hokage-samaaaa. You wanted to see meeee?"

Blood rushed into Sarutobi's face as two fleshy orbs pressed into his back. "Naruto-sama, are you giving him to me as a gift? He's kinda old." Arms wrapped around the old man's neck. Breath tickled his ear. A sultry voice whispered, "But I guess you're not the Hokage for nothing, ne?"

Naruko jumped away from the perverted old man as he sailed out of his seat behind the desk. Two rather large blood trails lead from his nose. Similar afflictions befell the Hokage's two assistants, Izumo and Kotestu.

"Hehe, I guess I was right. That's a lot of blood." She walked over to Naruto, the chakra clouds clinging to her body leaving wisps of smoke behind them. "Will that be all, Naruto-sama?"

"Yup! Thanks a lot, Naruko-chan!" The overly cheerful blonde froze when he felt a hand on his nether-regions. Naruko leaned in close to her master.

"Sure thing…Na-ro-to-sa-ma." She squeezed a little, eliciting a gasp from her captive prey. "See you tonight?" "S-s-s-sure, w-w-why not?" She licked his nose. "Gooood. I'm sure we'll have plenty of…_fun."_

And with a poof, she left behind one very shocked, _very_ red genin. _**"**_**Remember, Naruto-sama. Tonight…"**

Naruto'seyeswidenedas he felt, rather than heard, the perverted laughter fading from his mind. "Umm, Jiji?"

"Yes, Naruto?" the violated man replied from his puddle on the floor.

"I think Naruko-chan is a pervert."

If Sarutobi could have face-faulted, there would have been a Hokage-shaped hole in the floor.

--

'_Awesome! He took out Gramps in one attack! Now's my chance!'_

--

As the Hokage righted his chair, and his two attendants cleaned up all of the blood, a warcry sounded from outside of the door. "This is it for you, old man! You're going doAHH!"

Sarutobi Konohamaru tripped.

"OW! By dose!"

It became dead silent. Then… "Hehe. Ahehehehe. Aheheheheheheheheheheee. Ahahahahahahahahaaahahahahahahahahaha." Giggling. Then… "AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHA…" Guffawing. Cackling. Outright laughing.

"HEY! Quid labbing at be!" He wiped some of the blood from his nose. "You tripped me, didn't you?! I'm gunna get you for that!"

Naruto stopped laughing, his grin replaced with a look of outrage.

"How the hell am I gunna trip you from five feet away?!"

The Hokage snorted. "I could think of a few ways…"

"SEE?"

"URUSAI!" He didn't even bother getting up from the seat he'd sat down in. He just whacked him with a large hammer that appeared out of nowhere. "Watch your own feet before you go blaming others, brat!"

"Honorable Grandson, are you alright?! You trash, how dare you hit the Hokage's grandson?!"

The annoyingly high-pitched voice came from the man who had appeared in the doorway. He was dressed in the standard navy blue shinobi uniform, with a bandana over his head, upon which his hitai-ate was attached. He wore a pair of corny black sunglasses.

Naruto looked at the newcomer for a moment, then the Hokage, who nodded somewhat appoligetically, then the little boy, who had the audacity to look smug.

A second lump joined the first one on top of Konohamaru's head. "AHH! Honorable Grandson!" He rounded on the culprit. "I'll kill you for assaulting the Hokage's grandson!"

Naruto ignored the stupid man's ranting. "Don't get cocky, brat! Just because you're Sarutobi-oji-san's grand-brat, doesn't mean you have special privileges. Got it, brat?!" The small boy just nodded from his place on the floor. "Good! Brat!" He turned to the old man at the desk. "I'm gunna get out of here, Jiji. See ya later."

"Ah, Naruto?"

"Yeah, Jiji?"

"Your picture?"

Naruto's face erupted into perversion. "Keep it, Jiji. I'm sure it'll give you _wonderful_ memories."

He walked out the door laughing.

--

He was still laughing when he stopped in the middle of the street. He felt something…off. Seeing as it was only about 9:30 yet, he decided to investigate. So he turned around.

He instantly spotted three things off with the picture presented before him. The most glaring oddity was the dumpling in the middle of the street. Two feet poked from underneath it. The second oddity, while not nearly as obvious, was still pretty obvious: the small head of long black hair that poked above the edge of a vending stall. The third, and most discrete, much as the word could be applied, was the head of short-cut navy blue hair that tried to hide behind a light post.

His eye twitched. He eventually just decided to ignore the anomalies and go about his business.

He took a few more steps and stopped again. "Konohamaru, that's pathetic."

The area of fence he had stopped in front of fell away, revealing the Third's grandson. "Aww, I thought I hide well enough to fool you! I must have underestimated your observational skills."

Sigh. "Brat, the cam-paper you were using was sideways."

"Oh."

Silence reigned. Until…

"Teach me!"

"Nani?!"

"Teach me that technique you used to beat Gramps in one hit!"

Naruto was shell-shocked. "Why the hell should I?!"

Konohamaru grabbed him around the waist. "PLEEEEAAAASE! I'll even call you boss!"

Naruto thought for a moment. _'Well, I wouldn't want Iruka-sensei to get bored with next year's class…'_ Oddly enough, that thought was said with a straight face. _'But I don't want him to become like Naruko-chan…'_ **"Go ahead and teach him, Naruto-sama. I seriously doubt he will form a…relationship… like we have."**

Naruto shivered when she said "relationship." _'I'm just taking a stab in the dark here, but is that you, Naruko-chan?'_ **"Right in one, Naruto-sama. I'll explain it in more detail tonight, but for right now, just know that I can talk to you. It's so much easier to **_**please**_** you this way."** He shivered again. _'Will you stop it with the making me shiver, please?! There's a little one here!'_ **"This coming from the person who is currently thinking of teaching the little one your perverted technique?" **_'It's not perverted! It's the pervert-killer!'_** "You just keep telling yourself that, Naruto-sama, while I…"** She went on to list a number of _interesting_ things she would be doing to him that night.

--

Konohamaru was confused. _'Why is he blushing like that?'_ "Hey, Boss! Are you gunna teach me or what?"

That startled Naruto out of his little reverie. "Ah? Ah, right. Sure brat, I'll teach you, but only on one condition!"

"What's that?"

Naruto grinned. "You must carry on the art of the prankster!" he announced grandly. "After all, we wouldn't want Iruka-sensei to bored, now would we?" He smiled mischievously.

Konohamaru returned the decidedly evil grin with one of his own. "No, sir! That would make him sad." He saluted his new boss. "I would be honored to carry on your art, Naruto-oyabun!"

"Goooooooooood…"

--

Umino Iruka sat in his desk chair, setting up the curriculum for the next class. He reached over to take a sip of the raspberry tea he had warmed up. He put the cup to his lips, when it suddenly cracked, the shattered, leaving all of his papers drenched with red liquid.

He sat there for a second, the remains of the ceramic cup still held to his lips.

He calmly set the shattered bit of earthenware back on the cup holder, gathered up all of the wet papers into a neat little stack, and incinerated everything on his desk with a low level Katon jutsu.

Satisfied that every shred of evidence of his growing insanity was gone (along with a fair-sized portion of the desk itself), he walked out of the classroom to buy some stainless steel mugs.

Oh yeah, and kill Naruto. He just knew this had to be his fault.

--

Hyuuga Hanabi looked over to her sister, and current stalking-mate, Hyuuga Hinata, across the street. Her face bore a look of contempt.

She crossed the street, stood before her sister, and with a completely straight face: "So, he's going to teach that kid how to be a pervert?"

"O-of course not! He's going to teach him about pranking! Can't you see that?"

"Is that really any better?"

Hinata hung her head. "J-just…let's just keep watching him. You'll see." She thought nobody could see it, but Hanabi saw the little fired in her eyes ignite. "You'll see."

--

"Ok! First! Let's see you perform a henge. Turn into me."

Poof. "Hmmm…not bad, not bad. My hair's not that pale, and I'M NOT THAT FAT! Is that really how you see people?!"

Poof. "Gomen ne, Naruto-oyabun." "Keep practicing. I'd hate to think of what would happen if we were to try and get you to make one like that in the village."

An image of a brown-haired woman wearing a purple kimono beating him senseless, then berating an overly fat version of herself popped into his head.

He shivered.

--

"See? He's helping Konohamrau-kun perfect his henge! How is that perverted?"

"He's only teaching him so that he doesn't get destroyed by the person that the kid tried to copy."

"W-well…"

Hinata sighed. _'Why won't she see Naruto-kun's perks?'_ "B-but he's still showing foresight, right?"

"So he's finally growing some brains. From what I've heard about him, he was the dobe of your class, right?"

"N-not really, no." Hanabi really hated that habit of pressing her fingers that her sister had. "Then he wasn't?" Hinata winced. "W-well, t-technically, yes, N-Naruto-kun was the dobe." Hanabi smirked victoriously. "B-but that's only in grades! He can outrun the ANBU and Jounin that chase after him for his pranks! And the pranks he pulls are almost always really good! Remember when the Hokage Monument got defaced? That was Naruto-kun! He didn't get caught until the morning!"

This caused Hanabi to stop and think. _'He did that? I heard that it wasn't even the ANBU that caught him, but Iruka-sensei! Is he really that good?'_ "But what about his grades?"

Hinata deflated from her pseudo-high from talking about Naruto. "Ah…I'm not sure. The teachers always seemed to treat him harshly. And I once looked at one of his tests, and all of the answers were right, but the questions were different from the test we took."

"Is that true?"

The two peepers jumped. They turned around, only to see white. They looked up.

"Is that true what you are saying, Hinata?"

"H-Hokage-sama! A-ano…I-I… y-yes, the test was different from the one the rest of us were taking. I-I checked the answers with my own, a-and they were the same."

"I see…"

Hanabi spoke up, "Hokage-sama, is Naruto-san really like everyone thinks he is? Papa says to stay away from him."

Hinata's eyes hardened, while Sarutobi's drooped sadly. "No Hanabi-chan, he is not. You did not see him the night he passed into his Hitai-ate."

"What?" "Hokage-sama?"

The Hokage smiled tenderly. "Come, let's go get some cinnamon buns, shall we? I'll tell you all about what happened that night."

Hinata's eyes sparkled. "Hai!"

Hanabi looked at her insane sister. _'Maybe Naruto-san was right about my sister…'_

--

"Alright, alright, that's good enough. Just as long as you keep practicing later on, you'll do fine. Right! Now we need…material." He chuckled sinisterly. "Like what, Boss?" "Come, my young apprentice. We're going to visit a friend of mine. She's my teammate, and under normal circumstances, she would probably kill me for this. But I think I can sway her my way..."

--

"Sakura-chan! Hey, can you help me?"

POW! "NARUTO-BAKA, WHY ARE YOU LATE?!"

"OW! Sakura-chan, why the hell did you come on time?! You know what sensei is like! He's gunna be even later today, too!"

"What? Why?"

"Quit screwing with us, Dobe. Just get to the point."

"BITE ME, TEME! Anyway, I pranked his ass for something he did to me today while I was getting my picture taken. He's getting chased by horny dogs right now. But that's not why I'm here! Sakura-chan, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Normally, Sakura would just blow him off and go back to fawning. But something in his voice convinced her to go with it. "Alright, but I'm not going on a date with you, Naruto!" "That's not what I was going to ask, but you don't need to be so mean about it. C'mon over here next to this tree."

"Fine, whatever."

They reached the tree, and Sakura looked at Naruto. "Alright Naruto, what's this all about?"

"Look out at the teme for a second."

"Huh?"

She turned back in the direction of the love of her life,

…just in time to see him get nailed with a dozen pink colored paint balloons.

Naruto's hands shot up. "SCOOOOOORRREEE!! That was perfect, Konohamaru! Oh my god, and he just stood there and took it!"

He stopped. "S-Sakura-chan?"

"You pulled me away from my Sasuke-kun, just so you could make me watch as you defile him?" Her eyes were shadowed, her voice dark.

"N-now Sakura-chan, let's not be hasty here. Just hear me out okay?"

Knuckles popped. "Make it worth not turning you into ground meat."

"Look at him again, and ask yourself, "When will I ever see Sasuke-kun in pink again?""

Sakura twitched. She looked back at her love, seeing that he was indeed very, very pink.

Click. Whirrr. "Here ya go, Sakura-chan!"

She whirled around, to see Naruto holding a camera and a picture. She lunged. "GIMME THAT PICTURE!"

Naruto dodged and held the photo up. "Ah, ah, ah! First you gotta do something for me!"

'_Damn, he's being stubborn about it.' _**"Maybe we could **_**convince**_** him to give it to us?"**

Sakura turned on the cutesy face. "Naruto-kuuun, may I _please_ have that picture? I'll do something nice for you."

"Fine, but only if you loan me and my student some of your illustrated Icha Icha Paradise volumes."

"…"

"Well, Sakura-chan? Hows about it?"

"…Fine. But if I find a SINGLE PAGE bent or wrinkled or defaced IN ANY WAY, I will CASTRATE you and your student! GOT IT?! Now hand it over!"

"Deal! Here you go! Can we go there now? It's still only about ten o'clock, so Sensei shouldn't be here for an hour yet."

"Fine, let's go. Where's this student of yours?"

"Hiya!"

"GYA!" She spun around and pointed at the small trickster. "Who the hell are you?!"

"I'm Konohamaru! Boss is teaching me the technique he used to defeat Gramps in one attack!"

"Huh?"

Naruto chuckled. "Heh, yeah, I beat the Hokage with my Orioke no Jutsu, and he saw me. So now I'm teaching him, and in return, he's going to be the next prankster in Iruka-sensei's class! MY LEGACY WILL NOT FADE!" Konohamrau nodded along energetically.

Sakura's eyes became flat. "If it wasn't for that picture, I would be killing you right now, Naruto."

"What, you don't want the pervert killer attack to be passed on?"

"What the hell are you talking about, "Pervert-killer?!" It's obvious that you are the pervert!"

Naruto waggled his eyebrows. "Ah, but Sakura-chan, haven't you ever noticed all the blood that comes out when a pervert is hit by that jutsu? How they almost always get knocked backwards? The embarrassment, and more importantly, the _distraction_ it causes?"

Sakura grudgingly accepted that logic. "Well… it's still perverted!"

Naruto snorted. "You haven't even met her, yet."

This comment set her off. "Huh?"

Naruto sighed. "Naruko-chan is alive, Sakura-chan. Every time I create her, she seems to have all of the same memories as the last one, and sometimes I can even hear her in my head. It's like she's a perverted female me!"

Now Sakura was curious. _'Maybe he's like us?'_ **"Couldn't hurt to find out."**

"Naruto, can I meet her?"

"WHAT?! You want to meet a perverted version of ME?! Are you out of your mind?!"** "Naruto-sama, that's not nice. I might just have to **_**punish**_** you for that."** He shivered.

"Please, Naruto? There's something I need to know."

Naruto hesitantly acceded. "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Orioke Bunshin no justu!" He formed the inverted ram seal, and molded the chakra.

Poof. Lithe arms wrapped themselves around Sakura's neck from behind, causing her to stiffen. "Why Naruto-sama, I knew I said I was going to punish you for that comment you made. Are you trying to make up?" Naruko licked the edge of Sakura's ear. "She tastes pretty good. Maybe…?"

"NO! Naruko-chan, lay off, would ya? Can't you see she's uncomfortable?"

Sakura was shivering under the ministrations of the blonde bombshell. **"W-wow, she's good. I could learn a thing or two from her."**

"Aww, but Master, just give me an hour or two with her. I could make her feel _very_ comfortable!" She nibbled on the pink girl's ear. "Very, VERY comfortable," she purred.

"Naruko!" "Oh, fine!" She leaned in close to the girl's ear. "If you ever want to …talk…you know where to find us." She whispered something else into her ear, and Sakura blushed bright red.

"Naruko! What the hell did you whisper to her?!"

She grinned innocently. "Ohhh, nothing…"

"Ano…"

Naruko looked down at the colorful girl. "What's the matter? Want to know something else about my master? Perhaps…" She whispered something else. Sakura's blush darkened. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO KNOW!" "Oh. So what was it?" "Are you his inner persona?"

Naruko blanched. "How do _you_ know about that?!"

"Well, I have a voice in my head, too. She acts just like you."

"Oh. Well, yeah, I'm his inner voice. Why'd you wanna know?"

Sakura brightened. "Then is there a way to make her be quiet?" **"HEY!"**

Naruko just laughed. "That voice is a part of you, so no, there isn't any way apart from just accepting that part of you that she represents."

Sakura and Naruto were gobsmacked. "How the hell did you know THAT, Naruko-chan? Aren't you a part of me? I'm an idiot!"

Naruko frowned. "Naruto-sama, you shouldn't put yourself down like that. Can the best prankster in Konoha really be called an idiot? And anyway, I'm a voice myself, so I think I should know." She grinned. "Although, even if you _were_ to accept your own perversity, Naruto-sama, I still wouldn't go away." She looked at Sakura. "Ever since he gave me my own form, I've been a permanent fixture in his mind. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't even _have_ an inner voice."

"I-I see…" **"HA! So there! I'll always be here, cuz you just can't get over me!"**

Naruto struck a thought. "Hey, does that mean that if Sakura-chan could perform the Kage Bunshin, then her inner voice could come out too? Maybe if she learned the Orioke no Jutsu, she could even let out the other voice in her own body."

Naruko shook her head. "It doesn't work that way, Naruto-sama. You created me with intent. You also gave me a solid form, multiple times. Since you made me so many times, each time with a solid body, I grew and grew until I became my own person. Also, since each time you made me, you had the intent to be perverted, I became perverted. You made me, Naruto-sama. You already gave me the means to take control under certain conditions. Sakura's inner voice has been there for a long time, and is almost the polar opposite of the girl herself. She would have to willingly let the voice take over, and volunteering control to someone you are in opposition to is extremely hard."

Sakura blanched. "B-but I don't want her to go away! I just want her to shut up sometimes."

Naruko ahhed. "I see. So you've become used to her presence in your mind. In that case, she probably won't disappear, even if you come to grips with that side of you. Since she's already sentient, you probably _could_ give her control of a solid body that you created. Buuut…"

"But what?"

"Sakura-chan, how many normal bunshins can you make without exhausting yourself?"

"Eh? I don't know, maybe a dozen or so. Why?"

"Well, when I learned the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, it said that one Kage Bunshin used about as much chakra as one hundred normal bunshin. If you were to try to use the Kage Bunshin as you are right now, you would die."

"WHAT?! But what about you?! I saw you spam those things during the test!"

Naruto winced. "Sakura-chan, I've always had lots of chakra. Some of the adults call me a stamina freak. To me, one Kage Bunshin is just a drop in the barrel."

Sakura's eyes were like sake dishes by the end of that comment. **"Stamina freak, huh? And with those "dimensions?" Then there's the Kage Bunshin…"** _"…"_ **"Wow. I'm starting to lose interest in Sasuke-kun all of a sudden."** _'Shut up! Sasuke-kun is still a lot cooler than that baka!' _**"But he's not really a baka, is he? He just acts like one. And now that I think about it, Naruto-kun is a lot nicer to us than Sasuke is."** _'S-shut up!' _"S-so, how many Kage Bunshins can you actually make?"

"Huh? Well, I don't know. I barely felt it when I made a hundred of them. Then there was the Mizuki incident…"

"The what?"

"AH! Nothing! I'm not sure if I'm supposed to talk about that just yet! You'll have to ask Hokage-Jiji about that. Anyway, just know that you need a lot more chakra than you have right now to be able to survive performing the Kage Bunshin. With your control, though, by that point, actually maintaining the Kage Bunshin should be no problem. So just work on your reserves for now, and I might teach you that technique, ok? I might even teach you the Kotei Henge, although I'm kinda hesitant on teaching anyone that, since it seems I'm the only person who can use it at my age. I wanna keep some of my techniques unique, you know?"

Sakura just laughed a little. "Alright, I'll try that."

Throughout the entire conversation, Konohamaru just stood there, apparently forgotten, and completely confused. "Ummm, Boss? Will I get an…inner voice…too? That might be kinda weird."

"GAH! Holy crap, I almost forgot you were here! No, Konohamaru, since you are only using a regular henge, you should be fine. Anyway, we had better get outta here before Sasuke figures out it was our fault he's a walking Barbie advertisement. Sakura-chan? Those books?"

"Ah, right!" She bowed to Naruko. "Arigato Gozaimasu, Naruko-san."

She heard a throaty chuckle, and a hand snaked its way under her chin, pulling her up face to face with the blonde girl. "No problem, Sakura-chan."

Naruko then leaned in, and kissed Sakura full on the lips. Her tongue ran across the other girl's lips, and they involuntarily opened, allowing the probing organ entry. The gently digit explored the other girl's mouth for a minute, before they separated, a string or saliva connecting the two tongues. Sakura was flushed and panting. Naruko grinned her very own foxy grin. "_Any_ time."

And with a poof of chakra smoke, she was gone.

"Oh my god," four male voices spoke out in awe of the incredible scene. _'Wait, four?'_ Naruto looked around and saw the pink Sasuke on one side of the group, and the chewed-up Kakashi on the other.

Kakashi stared. "For a couple of twelve year olds, that was pretty hot." He looked around at his students. "Well, it looks like we all need a few minutes to cool off. Team seven, meet up at the Hokage Tower in a half hour. Take a cold shower or something. Sasuke, change your clothes. Sakura…Sakura? Oi, Sakura, wake up." He sighed. "Great, she's gone into shock."

--

Inside the mind of Haruno Sakura, all was chaos. A hundred little imaginary Sakuras ran about the imaginary office, imaginary papers flying everywhere. "Oh my god, we just got kissed by a girl!" "Oh my god, she took our first kiss!" "Oh my god, if that was what a piece of Naruto was like, I wonder what the rest of him is like?" THAT one made everyone stop for a moment. Then the chaos resumed. "Oh my god, I think we're becoming a lesbian! Or worse, we might be falling for Naruto!"

Sakura looked out at the destruction from her place beside Sakura-nai up on a balcony. "This is going to take forever to clean up, huh?" **"You bet your ass it will. I wonder what it's gunna look like afterward. I'm leaning towards Naruto-kun myself."**

Sakura just buried her face in her in her arms. "Why me?"

--

Hanabi walked away from the scene she had just witnessed. Her conversation with the Hokage had ended fifteen minutes prior, and even though he was the Hokage, the tale he spun about the urchin-headed deviant was far from believable. Hinata had begged off following Naruto-san any more, citing that one of her teammates had invited her over to his clan compound. Hanabi, however, was still curious, so she had gone to look for the target of her curiosity.

The conversation she had witnessed had been…enlightening, to say the least. _'It appears Hinata was right, at least SOME part of Naruto-san is intelligent.'_ She was offset by the multiple personality-thing he had going on, though, especially since the other personality was a female. A very perverted female, to boot.

'_Still, to have investigated his condition so thoroughly, passive as his attempt was, is quite incredible. Perhaps there is more to this boy than people think?'_

She didn't know it, but the beginnings of a small blush began to appear on her pale Hyuuga cheeks.

--

Thirty minutes later, all three members of Team Seven showed up at the Hokage Tower. They were quite surprised when they found their perpetually tardy sensei already there.

"Wow, Kaka-sensei. You sick or something? You're actually here on time."

He eye-smiled. "Oh, I just want to get the mission underway as quickly as possible."

"Really? I'd think that after today's events, you'd be scared to even be near a dog, let alone catch one."

Kakashi looked directly into the young boy's eyes with his one visible one. "Oh, it's not the dogs I'm looking forward to, Naruto."

Naruto paled. _'That bastard! And it's technically not getting back at me, because he won't have anything to do with it! Fuck!'_ "L-let's just get this over with, ne?" He pushed open the door to the tower. "OI, JIJI! WE'RE HERE!"

POW! "NARUTO-BAKA! Don't disrespect the Hokage like that!" She bowed to the honored elder. "I apologize for his stupidity, Sandaime-sama."

Naruto scowled and rubbed the back of his head. "Sakura-chan, I've been calling him "old man" ever since I learned how to speak."

POW! "That doesn't give you the right to talk to him like that!"

"Easy, Sakura-san. He's right, and I really don't mind. I am quite old, after all." The Hokage looked on the scene with amusment in his eyes.

Naruto glared at the old man. "You're enjoying this." Sarutbi Sasuke cackled. "How easily you forget this morning's events, boy!"

Naruto just hmphed. "Just give us the mission already, so I can take my bruises and go home."

"Fine, fine. Team Seven, this is your mission. You are to round up all of the Inuzuka dogs that some miscreant led all through the city." He smirked at the scarecrow, who glowered as well as anyone with only one eye could glower. "First, you are to rendezvous with the Inuzuka matriarch and her daughter. From there on, they will be giving you instructions. This is a D-rank mission, so don't expect any real combat, but be prepared for a little roughhousing. Have fun!" This last comment was loaded with mirth.

Naruto scowled again. "You're gunna be watching all of this on your stupid peeping ball, aren't you?"

"Oh, I've already got the scrolls used to record events from the Scrying Globe all set up. It will be one of my treasured memories!" The Sandaime began laughing.

"Guh…C'mon guys, let's just get this over with."

--

They arrived at the Inuzuka compound. Naruto was henged into the backpack that Kakashi wore around his back. Normally, the accomplished jounin didn't need a backpack, so it all worked out for the young boy.

Too bad Kakashi had no intention of keeping Naruto's whereabouts secret.

Tsume and Hana were already waiting for the team out in front of the kennels. Kakashi stepped forward and saluted. "Team Seven reporting for mission ma'am."

Tsume looked amused. "Oh? Aren't genin teams usually made in groups of three? You seem to be missing one." Of course, Inuzuka Tsume, being an accomplished Jounin herself, had worked with the ex-ANBU member before, and knew his habits. Carrying a backpack was not one of them. _'Performing the Kotei Henge at his age, though. That's pretty impressive.'_

"Oh, he's just hiding." The backpack grew a hand and snatched the mask off of his face.

All was silent. Until…

"Ummm, Naruto? You are aware that I usually wear more than one mask, right? Having fangirls kinda dictates that." "DAMMIT! THAT'S CHEATING!"

The backpack poofed, to reveal the blonde-haired dumbass hiding behind Kakashi's back. He peeked around to look at the two women in front of them. Hana grinned dangerously, her hand reaching towards the bullwhip hanging at her side.

Naruto whimpered and retreated behind his sensei's back. Kakashi just snorted. "Man up, Naruto. It's your fault anyway, so just deal with it." He then stepped out of the way.

"GAH! Sensei, you traitor! She's gunna kill me!" "And it'll hurt so good, won't it Naruto?" Kakashi laughed.

Naruto panicked when he saw Hana begin unwinding the whip. He made the Monkey seal. "Chibi no Jutsu: Inuzuka Version!" He poofed.

When the smoke cleared, it revealed a small rust-colored fox kit, curled up into a ball, its face hiding beneath its bushy tail.

Three "SQUEEE!!" 's were heard, before the little kitling was ambushed by two girls hyped up on "Kawaii" hormone and one under the control of her subconscious.

"Hey, Mom! What's goin' on? One second I'm showing my teammates around the compound, and then Hinata runs of squealing like a little girl hyped up on the "Kawaii" hormone!"

Kiba was almost right.

Sasuke and Kakashi just looked at the little prankster with jealousy. _'Lucky bastard.'_

It was not to last, however. The fox, distracted by the well-endowed chests of the Inuzuka and Hyuuga heiresses, and the nimble fingers of the pinkette, accidentally released the Henge.

Poof. "KYAAA!" Two slaps and one girl knocked out cold. "Where were you going to let my hands go, pervert?!" "I WILL KILL YOU DEAD, FOX-BOY!!"

"HANA! Stop killing the poor boy! We still need the rest of the dogs back!"

"Maa, I think we should get started before we lose one of our own before we even see combat."

--

"Right. Now that we have quelled THAT little uprising, what say we get some REAL work done, ne?" Inuzuka Tsume has never been accused of being patient.

Naruto stood beside his sensei, grumbling about vicious women and traitorous senseis. "Stop complaining, Naruto. You tried to save yourself, and your attempt backfired. It happens. This is your first mission, so get your head in the game, 'k?"

"Urusai, Baka-Sensei! It's not like you were any help back there! If that's what we can expect from you in the future, how are we supposed to survive our first combat mission?"

"Think of it as a learning experience." Nobody missed the smirk in his voice. "BITE ME!" "Right! Well, let's get started, shall we?" He pulled out his orange book.

Naruto twitched. "Sensei, you're not going to be reading that during missions, are you?" His glare was mirrored by his teammates.

Kakashi just glanced at the boy. "Mmm? You say something?"

'_That book is GONE!' _"No Sensei. You must be hearing things. Let's just go." Kakashi wasn't fooled for a moment, though. _'Damnit, now I'm gunna have to trap all of my books.'_

--

Thus far, they had only found Kuromaru. He had showed up right in front of them, apparently able to ignore the effects of the drug.

Sakura spoke up. "You know, for a bunch of rampaging horny dogs, they sure are hard to find."

Kruomaru harrumphed. "Yeah, well I'd be your tracker if my nose wasn't already clogged up with that smell."

Hana grinned. "I'd be your tracker too, if I really wanted to be. I don't, though, so no help here." She smiled maliciously at the hapless blonde boy at the end of her leash. He just looked sourly back at her. "You know I'm going to destroy this thing later, right?" He sighed. "Man, this is gunna be so demeaning." He formed the monkey seal, and turned into a decently sized fox. "Just follow me. I'll sniff them out."

Hana laughed cruelly when he started walking, only to jerk up short at the end of the leash. Naruto snarled. "You know, for a person who wants to be a veternarian, you sure know how to mistreat a fox!"

Hana just laughed haughtily. "Yeah, but you aren't a fox. You're just a stupid little boy! Now get going, brat!"

Naruto looked at her funny. "You really mean that?" Hana looked confused. "What, that you're stupid? Of course!" "No not that. The other thing. About me not being a fox. Did you really mean that?"

Hana tensed. Of course, she was old enough to know who, or more specifically, _what_ he was. She just wasn't aware that _he_ knew.

Kakashi also tensed. "Ummm, Naruto? Are you sure you want to talk about this here? In front of other people?" Naruto just looked at him. "They'll figure it out eventually, sensei. They're not idiots." He turned back to the girl that held his leash. "So? Do you really think I'm not the fox?"

It was a loaded question and she knew it. She looked over to the resident Jounin, who just stared back at her with a steady gaze, seemingly asking, _'well?'_

She blushed as all of the attention was focused on her. "W-well you don't look like a fox, other than when you use that technique. And you only smell like a fox a little bit." "I smell like a fox?" "Yeah, but just a little. You eat more like an Akimichi than a fox, so no, I don't think you're the fox. I DO think you're an idiot, though."

He almost missed it, but Naruto had heard her. She had said he wasn't _the_ fox. She knew but didn't care! _'Sweet!'_

Sasuke and Sakura just looked at eachother. Sakura shrugged her shoulders.

Naruto just smiled and padded on.

--

The group, consisting of team 7 and their tagalong, Hana, had been going at it for a while. They had already gotten most of the dogs back to the kennels, led by a short-tempered Kuromaru.

A haggard Sakura looked over to the brunette. "How many dogs do we have to find yet?"

"Just three," she replied. "My three are still missing."

Kakashi winced. "Ugh. The Haimaru Sankyodai are vicious," he said, the phantom pain in his men's-only area flaring up again.

Hana looked proud. "Aren't they, though?" she squealed. "I'm the first Inuzuka in twenty years to have more than two partners!" The rest of the group just stared at her. _'How old is she again?'_

They all stopped when they heard a shrill scream. Naruto's ears perked up. "That sounds kinda like Hanabi!" He released the henge. "We have to help her!" He ran off in the direction of the scream.

"Naruto, wait! Damnit, this isn't our mission!" Kakashi groused.

Hana looked thoughtful. "Well, it might be." The rest of the group stopped and stared at her. "W-well, they are kinda hyped up on the breeding cocktail. There's a good chance that they will…go after…anything that smells female."

Kakashi face-palmed. "Alright, let's go after him then." They sped off.

--

They reached the scene to find three grey dogs circling a tree, in which sat the origin of the scream. Naruto looked on from the sidelines. "Hanabi! Are you alright?"

"Of course I'm not alright! Three dogs just tried to RAPE me! How am I supposed to be okay after that!? I'll be lucky if I don't end up traumatized after this!"

"It's alright now! We're here! Just hang tight, okay?" He turned around and glared at the owner of the dogs-turned-rapists. "WELL?! Can't you control your own dogs?!"

Hana looked panicked. "Of course not! Right now, they might as well have been born in the wild!"

They heard an ominous crack. "AAAAHH! Help me!" They turned to look at the distressed girl, only to see her tumbling head over heels to the ground. She landed bottom-first, and backed as far as she could towards the tree.

"S-stay back!" One of the beasts jumped forward, only to jump away from the chakra-laden palm that had lashed out in response.

Hana was worried. "My partners have been in training for about eight years now! There's no way a fresh out of the academy genin could fight them off!" Kakashi glanced over to the girl. "So why don't you go in there and help?" "Are you kidding?! I can't attack my own partners! Why don't you do it?!" "The mission was to get them back to the kennels. In this situation, I may have no choice but to kill them. Sasuke, Sakura, stay back. They are extremely dangerous, and we don't want to use lethal force if we don't have to." He had out a kunai anyway.

The situation had worsened. The chemical running through the dogs' brains had begun to dissipate, but not enough to give them coherence. They had, however, begun attacking in concert. It was getting harder and harder for Hanabi to fend off each attack.

Naruto stood at the ready just beyond the dogs, looking for any opening that wouldn't be countered by the chuunin level dogs.

Finally, the dogs had had enough. They pounced as one.

--

Time slowed down for a moment for Naruto. He noticed some things in that time.

He noticed Hanabi's widening eyes. Her panicked, terror-stricken look. The beginnings of a scream forming on her lips.

He noticed footsteps from behind, and could only assume his sensei had decided to take lethal measures.

He noticed the feral looks on the dogs' faces. The froth forming at their lips, dripping off of savage fangs.

Something in his mind clicked.

"RAAAAAAGH!!"

--

Everyone stopped. Kakashi and Hana looked on in astonishment at the sight they beheld.

All three dogs had been knocked away by a blonde blur. They were currently trying to untangle themselves to face this new adversary.

Hanabi's eyes widened when she looked upon who had saved her. A giant fox, perhaps shoulder height on Kakashi, stood between her and her attackers. Golden fur as vibrant as the sun, twin tails waving in fury, the vulpine guardian looked positively regal. "N-Naruto?" The fox turned its head. Bright slitted blue eyes like the never-ending sky settled upon her own lavender ones.

"No one hurts my precious people." He turned back to the three beasts that had _dared_ attack one of his friends.

And the fox roared.

--

Hana's breath caught. _'So awesome...'_ she thought as she gazed upon the magnificent beast.

Powerful muscles bunched and rippled with each twitch it made. The sun shone upon its fur as it danced in the wind.

Two long, cuddly, _angry_ tails whipped about, seemingly at random. Each swipe left small gouges in the ground, but always appeared to miss the little girl crouched fearfully behind it.

Bright blue eyes shone with feral rage, pupils dilated into black slits, looking both beastly and human at the same time.

Huge fangs as long as her forefinger adorned the fox's maw as it roared out its mighty challenge.

The fox stopped roaring, only to continue its low, menacing growl. Its feral glare settled upon the three grey ones.

They growled back, before their eyes dulled a moment. Their heads shook wildly, as though trying to dislodge something. Their eyes widened, and they stared in astonishment at the mighty being that stood before them.

Then, as one, they groveled before him.

Hana's heart fluttered. _'So powerful…I think I'm in love.'_

--

After the three dogs declared their obeisance, the huge fox calmed down a bit. Its shiny golden fur laid back down, and its tails began moving at a more sedate pace. It spoke.

"Return to your partner." They got up and bolted to their master's side.

It turned around and settled tranquil eyes upon its ward. It noticed the tears in her eyes. It didn't speak, it just moved towards the downed girl. She flinched and tried to scoot away.

"Hanabi."

She stopped. "N-Naruto?"

He continued closer to the scared girl. "Hanabi, it's alright now. They won't hurt you." His voice was soothing. He came to a stop and sat on his haunches in front of the diminutive girl.

She looked up into those feral, soothing blue eyes. "P-promise?" Naruto's heart wrenched. She looked so like the little kid she was right then. "I promise, Hanabi. Nobody's going to hurt you."

More tears welled up in the little girl's eyes. "Narutoooooooooo!" She rushed forwards and buried herself into Naruto's chest, her dainty fingers curling into his fur like a lifeline. Naruto brought his head down over the girls shoulder and gently wrapped his tails around her frail body in a vulpine hug.

Kakashi stepped forward. "Naruto, are you two alright?" The foxboy shifted his head slightly and looked at his sensei. "Yeah, Sensei, I think we're alright." Kakashi noticed his student's pupils shifted back into their normal round shape. "I feel…very tired though."

He poofed, and when the smoke cleared, Naruto was hugging Hanabi with all his might. His forehead was matted with sweat, and his hair hung over his eyes. "Hanabi-chan? Are you alright?"

The girl just nodded into his chest. While Naruto was short, Hanabi was still only ten. At 5' 9" Naruto was about half a foot taller than the girl in his arms. _'She seems so small…Is this what I was like at her age? This dainty?'_ "We need to get you home, Hanabi-chan. Can you walk?"

She shook her head. "N-no. I think I twisted my ankle." Naruto sighed. "Well, I guess I can piggyback you back to your place." He turned back to Hana. "Can those three get home alright now?" She nodded. "The effects of the drug have pretty much worn off now, so they can make their way home just fine."

Naruto looked to his sensei. "Can we drop off Hanabi-chan before we go back to the tower, then? I'd hate to leave her like this."

Kakashi ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Naruto, you are so like the Yondaime, it's almost scary. Yeah we'll go to the Hyuugas first, and then we should see about getting you fixed up."

"Yeah, I've never felt this tired just from using this technique one time." "Yes, well we'll talk about that later, won't we? You can be sure we're going to be working on you chakra control a lot from here on out. Now let's get going before Hiashi goes into conniptions."

--

Arriving at the front gate found two guards standing at their posts. The group walked up to them, only to for them to be halted in advance. "Stop. Hiashi-sama has already been informed of today's events, and would like to speak to Uzumaki-san alone."

Naruto tensed and looked to his sensei for help. Kakashi stepped forward. "I am his jounin sensei, and I am therefore responsible for him."

Surprisingly, Hana also stepped forward. "I also wish to go in. I want to apologize for the actions of my partners." Naruto looked at Hana strangely, but she just blushed and looked away a bit.

'_Girls are weird.' _**"I'm sure you'll get used to it sooner or later, Naruto-sama." **_**'Because there is no doubt in my mind that you will have quite a few dealings with them.'**_ Naruko chuckled perversely under her breath.

One of the guards went inside the gate and disappeared. They waited for a few minutes, before he reappeared. "Very well. Hiashi-sama will consent to seeing you two, but the other two have to leave." He looked pointedly at Sasuke and Sakura.

Kakashi nodded and turned to them. "Why don't you two take the rest of the day off, ne? we've had enough drama for the day. Show up at the Hokage's Tower in about an hour, so we can give our debriefing, and then you're free to go. Formal training will begin tomorrow, so eat up and get plenty of sleep."

"Hn. Why does the dobe have to go in there and not us?"

"Because I'm just that awesome, Teme. Deal with it."

"Dobe!" "Sasuke-kun! Do you really want to go in there? Think of who is in there!"

Sasuke stopped and thought for a moment. It was no secret that the Hyuuga and the Uchiha had had a bitter rivalry in the past. "Hn. Fine. Didn't want your blood all over my clothes anyway. He's probably going to kick your ass anyway, even if you did save his daughter."

He walked off, and after looking back at Naruto apologetically, Sakura walked off, too.

"Damn teme. Always pissing me off!"

"Naruto, language! There's a little girl on your back!"

Naruto looked over his shoulder at the fragile girl. "You don't care about my cussing, do you?"

She blushed and buried her face in his shoulder.

Kakashi smirked. "See?" "Oh, go bite your own penis!"

"Ahem." They turned to look at the guard. "Oh, right. Well I suppose it would be rude to keep him waiting. Come on, Naruto. Let's see how long it takes him to liquefy your brains, ne?" Kakashi's eye twinkled merrily.

Naruto just sighed and walked through the gate.

--

Alright, kiddies. Chapter three is done. I had a pain in the ass time with this one, mostly because I kept thinking I was overdoing it at some points. I still do, in fact. Oh, well.

I figured out today that Marilyn Manson can wear ANYTHING, and make it look completely awesome. It gave me an idea for Naruto in future chapters.

Also, I'm pretty sure this is the first I've ever seen of a Naruto/Naruko pairing, so I'm kinda curious as to how it will be accepted. It's still a harem, mind you, and there WILL be a LOT of girls in it.

Naruto has a big ahem heart.

Kudos to anyone who figured out what Naruko whispered in Sakura's ear. Giggles perversely

Also, I'm the kinda guy who tries to eliminate a lot of the drama cause by character deaths, so many (or possibly all) of the characters who die in canon probably won't. This brings up a certain review I got, asking me to put Fem-Haku in the harem. I will say this once, and only once.

I don't care what the hell anybody thinks. HAKU IS A FRIGGIN' GIRL! Bishonen piss me off, unless they can use their talents for the good of mankind. I have yet to see how this is possible, but I'm sure someone will think of something! (heh heh heh. Naruto will make great use of the Bishonen no Jutsu technique later on. Or maybe not, I'm not sure yet.)

On that note, please don't ask me to put any certain chick into the harem, 'k? Whoever will be in there will be in there. If you want a list of definite, look to the Beginning author's notes of chapter two.

TBC


	4. Crime and Punishment

As the leader of the most prestigious clan in Konoha, certain criteria had to be met before the appointed heir could take his or her position as clan head. It could be said that Hyuuga Hiashi more than fit these needs.

As holder of one of the most powerful and complex bloodlines in Konoha, he had to be able to read a situation within the first blink of an eye.

Therefore, when the village pariah walked into his meeting chambers holding his apparently injured daughter, he promptly activated his bloodline and set it to overdrive.

Kakashi stepped forward and bowed. "Hiashi-sama, my name is Hatake Kakashi, Jounin sensei to Team Seven. During the course of our first official mission, your daughter became involved with our targets and was injured. You have my deepest apologies."

Hiashi nodded curtly. This time Naruto spoke up. "Ummm, excuse me? Where can I set her? I think she twisted her ankle when she fell out of that tree." Hiashi's stare was impassive, but to a person who had been feeling Killing Intent all of his life, it was easy to tell that the clan head did not enjoy Naruto's presence there. "You may set her on the couch over there," he said, pointing to the loveseat to the side of the room.

Naruto walked over to the loveseat and looked over his shoulder. "Ne, Hanabi-chan. Which ankle did you hurt?" Hanabi blushed and signaled her right one.

If Hiashi was in any way affected by the casual interaction between the container and his daughter, he kept it masterfully well hidden.

After arranging Hanabi so that she wouldn't put pressure on the offending foot, he walked back over to the center of the room. He was acutely aware of the other man's penetrating stare. He returned the stare for a moment, before looking away uncomfortably. _'Damn, he's good at that.'_

The wordless exchange broken off, Hiashi turned his eyes back to the third member of the little group, a single aristocratic eyebrow arched questioningly. Hana stepped forward nervously.

"My name is Inuzuka Hana, daughter of Inuzuka Tsume, and I wish to confer my apologies on behalf of my clan. I would also like to apologize personally, because it was my dogs who lead to the injury of your daughter." She bowed low.

Hiashi sat behind his desk, contemplatively eyeing the three. Hanabi looked nervously at the entire proceeding.

White eyes turned upon white eyes. "Are you well, daughter?" His tone was soft but still firm. Hanabi nodded.

Apparently satisfied, Hiashi turned back to the Jounin. "I would like to know what led up to the injury of my daughter. Please do not omit anything."

Kakashi nodded and began his tale. He started with the events of that morning, leaving out some of the gorier details, namely _where_ the dogs had bitten him. He knew that even as clan head, Hiashi was still a man, and NO man wanted to hear about dangly parts being injured in anyway. Hiashi winced sympathetically anyway.

It took all of Hanabi's Hyuuga training to keep from busting out laughing in front of her father. As it was, a few snickers still escaped.

Kakashi went on to detail the events afterward, leading up accepting the mission, and the events surrounding it. Naruto voiced his disapproval. "Kaka-sensei, I seriously doubt he wants to hear about me getting glomped." Kakashi just turned an amused eye to his student. "Well, Naruto, he DID say to omit nothing. It would be rude of me to disregard that, don't you think?"

He DID have the presence of mind to keep Hinata's involvement in the little group glomp quiet. He had heard things about this man and how he treated his eldest daughter from Kurenai, and he wasn't stupid enough to add fuel to the flames.

"Anyway…" He then went on to describe the mission itself, glossing over the more repetitive parts, concerning the capture of all the other dogs, and got to the juicy part.

"We had stopped for a moment on the edge of training ground fifty four, near where Naruto had followed three more sets of tracks. As we were taking stock, we heard a scream, and Naruto recognized it to be that of one Hyuuga Hanabi." Hiashi stared disapprovingly at his daughter, until, "Naruto found Hanabi up in the branches of a tree, with the Haimaru Sankyodai circling the base of it. When the rest of us got there, Naruto asked if Hanabi was alright, and she said that the dogs had tried to rape her." Hiashi's gaze softened just the slightest bit.

"After that, we tried to figure out a way to incapacitate the dogs without killing them, but were unsuccessful. They have been trained since birth to be ninken, and they were at least eight years old. My students, while some of the best of their class, were not ready to fight three chuunin level ninken. And I did not think that I could attack them without killing them in that situation.

"By that point, the chemical appeared to be wearing off, at least enough to give them back some of their mental faculties, though not enough to free them from the mind-numbing arousal they were experiencing. Unfortunately, it was also at that point that the branch that Hanabi was on gave way, causing her to land awkwardly on her foot and twist it."

Hiashi looked on impassively. "And then? That is obviously not the end of it, as my daughter is safe and without any other injuries."

Kakashi continued. "Hanabi was able to fend them off for a while with Jyuken strikes while we continued to debate the situation; however during our hesitance, the chemical was still wearing off, and the dogs began to attack in concert. Eventually, they just attacked all at the same time.

"It was at that point that I decided to act, however Naruto acted before I did. Utilizing the Kotei Henge no Jutsu, he turned himself into what I believe was a fox."

Hiashi raised an eyebrow at this. "You believe?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his head, as did Naruto. "Yes, well it was at least shoulder height on me standing on all fours, had blonde fur and blue, slitted eyes. Not to mention it had two tails." He then looked pointedly at the young girl sitting to the right.

Hiashi saw the look, and turned to his daughter. "Can you walk?" She shook her head no. "I had to be carried."

Naruto piped up. "Don't worry about it, I got it covered." He inverted the ram seal and a Kage Bunshin appeared. "I can carry her where she needs to be!" Hiashi looked skeptically for a moment. _'The boy has access to two forbidden jutsus. I heard about the Mizuki incident, but I had passed it off as exaggeration. Impressive.'_ He nodded. "Very well. She can show you the way to the clan infirmary. See that she gets there in one piece." He stared hard at the clone.

The clone nodded and walked over to the prostrate girl. "Up and at 'em, Hanabi-chan!" The girl just snorted. "I'm not five, you know." She nevertheless got onto the clone's back. "Right! Where too?" She drove her left heel into the clone's side and pointed imperiously. It grunted. "Easy, easy! Any harder, and you would have dispelled me, idiot!" "Just get moving already! And watch what you say to me, Fishcake!" "Who are you calling Fishcake, Fire Cracker?!"

Everyone sweatdropped at the scene. **"Perhaps you should have me do it, Naruto-sama? You are too…yourself to behave properly around the upper class." **_'You're probably right. I don't know anything about upper class, but Hiashi looks like he's about to take my head off.'_ "Ah, why don't you put her down, okay?"

The clone looked mutinously at his boss, but complied anyway. He then dispelled in a poof of smoke. Another poof signaled the arrival of the most dangerous person in the room. "Aww, Naruto-samaaaa. Why'd you give me clothes?" "No, Naruko-chan. I'm not gunna let you tempt the Head of the most powerful clan in the village. I've had the entire Hyuuga clan on my back enough times already."

Another poof was heard. The smoke cleared to reveal a clothed Naruko.

…dressed in a blood red velvet Chinese dress. The sides were slit up to her hips, showing off a good portion of her legs. It was at least two sizes too small, as declared buy her burgeoning bust straining against the opening just under the pinned collar. The opening was positioned smack dab in the middle of her cleavage.

She grinned impishly. "Who said anything about the clan head?" She walked over to Hana Inuzuka and wrapped her arms around the other girl's neck. "I wanted to get a taste of this one first," she declared sultrily.

Now, it should be noted that Inuzuka Hana is NOT a lesbian. But it would be hard for ANY woman to avoid sapphic thoughts if a girl like Naruko walked up to her and says she wants to _"taste" _her. Therefore, she can be excused for freezing up at that particular moment.

…when Naruko leaned in and frenched the poor girl. Her eyes widened, her hands clenched, but she could do nothing against the lethal onslaught the other girl (woman) wrought upon her tongue.

After a few stunned moments where even Hiashi was slightly taken aback, Kakashi thought it prudent to continue with the matter at hand. "Ahem. Naruko-chan? Sorry to interrupt, but could you please take Hiashi-sama's daughter to the infirmary? She's kinda injured."

Naruko groaned into her victim's mouth, before drawing back. "But I was having fuuun…" "NOW, Naruko. And change back into the clothes I gave you!" Naruto tried his best to hide his growing "problem."

Hiashi? He still had the Byakugan activated when the scene commenced. So it was guaranteed that that image was burned into his mind forever.

And damned if all four of them (INCLUDING Hana) weren't going to be dreaming about that later.

"Oh, fine. Prude." She poofed again, once again donning the orange jumpsuit she was bestowed upon with her creation. It did her no justice.

She walked over to the stunned little girl, who flinched away from the sex addicted chakra construct. Naruko frowned. "You're injured, Hon. I'm not gunna try to make out with you if it will cause you pain. Now let's go." She knelt before the traumatized girl and presented her back. Hanabi cautiously climbed onto Naruko's back, and they walked out of the room.

Hiashi cleared his throat. "She is very…" He just couldn't think of the word.

"Lifelike?" Kakashi supplied.

"Yes. Lifelike. Is there a reason for that, Naruto-san?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Well, that's kinda because she is alive. Since I used the Orioke no Jutsu with the Kotei Henge so many times, she…kinda grew a will of her own. Since I made her with the intent to be perverted each time, that's how she turned out. She lives inside my head now, and she likes to jump into conversations at the worst times."

"I see. I did not think such a thing was possible." "I didn't think it was possible to see through walls either, until I heard about the Byakugan." "Point taken. Anyway, Kakashi-san," he said, slipping back into his aristocratic mantle. "Why did you want my daughter to leave?"

"I believe Naruto-kun tapped into the fox's chakra."

The room was stunned silent.

"WHAT?! Kaka-sensei, why didn't you tell me this before?!" "Because there were other people around." "Oh. Right." Naruto fell silent.

Kakashi turned his attention back to the patriarch of the house. "Anyway, as I said, I believe he tapped into the Kyuubi's chakra. When I asked him if your daughter and he was okay, he looked back at me, and that's when I noticed his pupils were slitted. I originally thought that they were just another part of the henge, but then they returned to their normal round shape, and Naruto was forced to release the henge."

Hiashi glowered at the fox boy, who was trying his hardest to disappear. Kakashi noticed the glare and amended, "Ah, but he was still coherent enough to speak to Hanabi to calm her down during and after the fight. Please trust me when I say that there is no other person who could have helped her more than Naruto at that moment." Hiashi's glare let up slightly, but never left the boy's face. "Very well. Continue."

"Right. Well after Naruto knocked the dogs away from their path towards your daughter, he spoke to Hanabi, saying something along the lines of-"

"-no one hurts my precious people." Kakashi stopped and looked at Naruto. "That's what you said? I knew you said something to calm her down, but I didn't know exactly what it was. You really ARE like the Yondaime, aren't you?"

Naruto just laughed embarrassedly. "I don't even know what came over me. It seemed like the world slowed down, and I noticed everything, from the look on Hanabi-chan's face, to the drool coming off of the dogs' fangs. Then I screamed and changed into that fox on instinct."

Hiashi started at this. "On instinct, you say? You changed into a giant two-tailed fox on instinct?" His tone betrayed his skepticism.

Kakashi came to the rescue. "Ah, I believe that would be due to the influence of the fox's chakra running through his system. As I said, his pupils were slitted, which leads me to believe that the chakra was running through his brain. Due to the nature of chakra in general, the red chakra probably had some very foxy characteristics to it, which got forced onto Naruto when he channeled it through his brain. Something akin to what you feel when you sense chakra signatures."

The Clan Head seemed satisfied. "So when he channeled the fox's chakra, its chakra signature forced itself onto Naruto-san, thus giving him the instincts of a fox, and the appearance."

"Right. But due to the relatively low amount of it in his system at the time, the signature was weak, leading to the rather…unique appearance of the fox."

"STOP USING BIG WORDS! Geez, I haven't gotten THAT far in the dictionary yet!"

Kakashi blinked.

Hiashi blinked.

Both blinked in unison.

"Ummm…Naruto?"

"What?"

"…You've been reading the dictionary?"

Naruto blushed. "W-well, yeah. I wanted to impress Sakura-chan with my big vocabulary, so I started looking up big words and their meanings." He brightened. "I scared the hell outta Sasuke-teme once, though! It was great!"

"…Rrriiight. Anyway, after he said that, he roared at the dogs, loudly, for about a minute."

Here Hana jumped in. "It was a challenge. He roared his challenge to the dogs, and they snapped out of their daze. It was the most amazing display of Alpha-tendencies I had ever seen. It almost made me swoon." By that point, she was healthily flushed and breathing heavily. Naruto inched away from her.

'_Okay, I change my mind. Girls aren't just weird, they're creepy, too.'_

-------------------

Naruko grinned. She _grynned._ You know the grin. The "I'm-gunna-get-you-my-pretty-and-your-little-dog-too" grin.

Although the dog in this context would have to be Naruto's innocence. It was going to be _great._

"**I know, Naruto-sama. I'm sure you'll get used to it."**

'_Naruko-chan? You can still talk to me, even when you're not inside me?'_

Oh god! she could think of SO many ways to turn that around, and make him blush down. To. His. ASS. Too bad he was busy. _**'Maybe later.'**_

"**Yes, Naruto-sama, although it appears that I'm the only one you can do that with. Our clones don't share the same benefit."**

'_Oh. Cool.'_

Oh, yeees, it was gunna be AWESOME!

'_**I can't wait to feel YOU inside of ME, Naruto-sama…'**_

Her thighs watered at the thought.

-------------------

Naruto shivered. _'Why do I feel like I just walked into something bad?'_

"Naruto-kun?"

"Huh? What is it, Kaka-sensei?"

"You spaced out for a second there. You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I figured out that I can still talk to Naruko-chan, even though she's not inside me." Here he felt the strange shot of…something from Naruko. _'I don't get it, but whatever.'_

Kakashi seemed to be having the same thoughts as Naruko, because his eye was slightly glazed over, and a damp patch appeared on his mask. He quickly shook himself out of the _wonderful_ image and continued.

"Anyways, after the dogs calmed down, Naruto went to comfort your daughter. It was when he was hugging her that I went to see how they were doing, and Naruto changed back. He wanted to drop off Hanabi first, before we went back to the tower. So here we are."

Hiashi nodded. He stared contemplatively at the blonde Jinchuuriki. _'Like the Yondaime? Well he does look a bit like him, doesn't he?'_

His gaze switched to the dog-user. "I want the heads of the Haimaru Sankyodai at my north gate tomorrow morning."

"WHAT?!?" While they all knew that SOMEONE should have been punished, none of them had expected anything so brutal. "Hiashi-sama, please! They weren't themselves! They were under the control of a chemical agent! Please don't make me do this!" "Yeah! That's a bullshit punishment! What kind of person kills the being that caused a sprained ankle?!"

Hiashi glared at the both of them. "I am the head of the most powerful clan in Konoha. Three of your clan members, Hana-san, attacked one of mine, my own daughter. _You_, Uzumaki-san, had better remember who you are speaking to. Know your place, Trash!"

Naruto just returned the glare. "FINE! Be a jackass! If you want to punish someone, punish me for not getting to your daughter in time. Don't you DARE punish Hana-chan! Neither she nor her dogs are at fault. I was the one who let the dogs loose. I was the one who used the chemical. Punish me, I don't care! Just leave her ALONE!" This time, his eyes did _not_ waver.

Hana stared at her blonde hero. _'He's willing to take our punishment?! But he could be killed!'_

Kakashi just stayed silent. He was no Hyuuga, but he could see he look in Hiashi's eye when he stared at Naruto. _'He's up to something.'_

Hiashi continued to glare his best at the boy in front of him. Only twelve, barely five and a half feet tall, but Hiashi was impressed by the unrelenting glare being sent right back at him. _'I see. Kakashi was right.'_ "Very well."

Hana let out a breath she hadn't known she had been holding. But then she looked worriedly at her savior. What now?

Naruto hadn't let up in his burning gaze at all.

"Uzumaki-san, for the next month, you will donate at least four hours of every day in the service of the Hyuuga clan. Each day, when your sensei is done with you, you will report to me directly to receive your instructions for the day. Is that understood?"

Naruto looked confused for a second, but nodded anyway. "Um, yeah sure. But weren't you just going to kill Hana-chan's dogs? I-I mean, I'm not complaining or anything, but-"

Kakashi clamped a hand over the boy's mouth. "Hush, Naruto. You got off easy, just roll with it."

Hiashi nodded again. "Very well, you may leave, Hana-san, Uzumaki-san. Kakashi, may I speak to you alone for a moment, please?"

---------------------

Naruto and Hana stepped out into the noonday sunlight. "Haaa, well I guess I'll be spending quite a bit of time here for a while." Naruto said, looking around the courtyard with his hands behind his head. "Damn, this place is big…"

His brain short-circuited when he felt a pair of lithe arms wrap around his shoulders from behind. "Thank you…"

"H-Hana-chan?! What are you-"

The arms tightened. "Thank you. Thank you so much…"

It was then that Naruto felt the damp spot on his left shoulder. _'Is she crying?'_

He turned around in her grip, bringing his eyes to look into hers. "Hey, it's okay, I wasn't just going to let him make unreasonable demands, especially of people I care about. Nobody's gunna lay a finger on my precious people. I promise." He had no idea where these comforting words were coming from, but he knew that they were working, because Hana suddenly cut loose.

She hiccupped into a fresh wave of sobs, as the full force of what she had just dodged hit her. "Oh God, I almost lost them! I almost lost my partners! My friends! And I was just going to let him take them! Oh God!"

Naruto just continued to stand there, clutching her tightly. He said nothing, because there was nothing for him to say. He just held her close, because he too realized just how close he came to dying in that room.

He also realized just how damn short he was.

---------------------

Kakashi looked at the spectacle developing out in the courtyard. "They're taking it hard."

"Yes."

"You never planned on having anyone killed, did you?"

"No."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I will explain things to Hana-san. Naruto doesn't need to know."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow and looked at the other man. "So its "Naruto" now, is it?"

Hiashi glowered back. "Don't give me that look, Hatake. I owe a lot to that boy's father, but not so much that I'm willing to ruin my "stoic hard-ass" reputation. Call me a jackass, will he?!"

Kakashi grinned. "Must be hard to keep up every single day."

Hiashi just rubbed his eyebrow. "Oh God, you have no frickin' idea, Hatake. With those goddamned Elders getting on my case about every little goddamn thing, not the least of which being my daughter."

The scarecrow's eye narrowed. "So that's what you're playing at."

Hiashi nodded. "Indeed. Somebody needs to be here in order to counteract that way I treat Hinata. Who better than the boy she likes?"

"Maybe, but Naruto has no clue about Hinata's feelings for him. He's an idiot when it comes to love."

The pseudo-stoic patriarch hmmed. "Well, be that as it may, his confidence seems to inspire her. With him around to watch her, she will no doubt push herself harder to gain his attention."

Kakashi turned back to the scene in the courtyard, though his eye continued looking sideways at the older man. "That, and he can use the Kage Bunshin to get all the chores done."

Hiashi grinned widely. "I have _no_ idea what you're talking about."

"Hmph. Lazy-ass."

"Look who's talking."

"Hey, at least I still train."

"You're also a pervert."

Kakashi's eye glinted dangerously. "Volume 14, chapter 3."

Hiashi's face paled, and he pointed an accusatory finger at Kakashi. "You promised you would never bring that up again!"

"Just letting you know how things stand, "Hi-kun.""

"I could have you arrested!"

"And I could tell the guards the true identity of "Hitori-chan." I wonder what they would do if they found out some of the raunchy stuff you and Hitomi did that night…"

"We were drunk! Ugh, fine. You win. Get out, you damn smooth-talker."

Kakashi chuckled maliciously. "Perhaps I should give little Hinata that volume? I'm sure she would _love_ to take after her beloved mother and father."

"Oh GOD, no. She's bad enough as it is. She doesn't need to get any worse."

Kakashi became curious. He had heard that Hinata was as innocent as could be. "Really? She can't even be near Naruto without fainting. Thoughts like those seem to be a little out of character, don't you think?"

Hiashi shivered. "Oh man, you wouldn't _believe_ some of the stuff running through that girl's head. I walked into her room one time to wake her up. The things she said in her sleep had ME blushing and covering my nose."

Kakashi chuckled. "Hoo boy, Naruto is in so much trouble."

"You have no idea, Kakashi-kun."

Both men turned towards the doorway. "Naruko? What are you doing here? I thought you would have dispelled yourself after you dropped off Hanabi."

"Oh, I just thought I'd see how things are holding up. By the looks of things, you really upset them."

Hiashi cleared his throat embarrassedly. "Yes, well. Ah, what exactly did you mean by your comment?"

"Hmm?" Naruko turned away from the window overlooking the courtyard. "Ah, I mean Hinata. The way things are looking, there have been doubts about her relative sanity." She grinned. "On the day of team assignments, Naruto-sama became a chibi through use of the Kotei Henge, and started acting distressed. Hinata-chan flipped out and almost killed Sakura-chan, not to mention all the fangirls she sent flying on her way to protect Naruto-sama. Then, when he told her to stop, she said, "Come on, Naru-chan. You can come sit on Momma-Hinata's lap." And that was _after _she passed out from seeing me "work my magic" on Sasuke-kun. It was hilarious. I really don't think you should hold it against her though. That just means she'll be great in the sack."

Hiashi just nodded. "Just like her mother…"

Naruko and Kakashi blanched. "That runs in the family?!"

The proud father nodded. "All Hyuuga females start acting like that around the men they've chosen. The slipping sanity is something the clan tries dearly to cover up. It won't be long now before Hanabi starts showing signs of the Hyuuga love sickness, too."

The spindly scarecrow was perplexed. "How do you mean? Has she chosen somebody already?"

Hiashi scoffed. "Oh, come on, Kakashi. You saw the way she acted around Naruto. She has chosen him, too." His grin grew sly. "It will be interesting to see how they work things out."

Naruko returned the grin. "Oh I don't plan on letting him be limited to one girl, Hiashi-kun."

Kakashi giggled perversely. "I've gotta tell Jiraiya-sama. He'd get a kick out of that."

"Uh-oh, it looks like things are winding down out there, Hiashi-kun. You might want to call Hana-chan in if you want to talk to her."

"Very well," Hiashi acceded, slipping back into his "stoic hard-ass" façade. "You may leave now, Kakashi-san, Naruko-san."

Naruko bowed mockingly. "Of course, Hiashi-_dono_. Wouldn't want to take up any more of your precious time." She smirked. With a poof of smoke, she was gone. Hiashi shuddered inwardly. _'Why do I get the feeling that she's more dangerous than I'll ever be?'_

"Ja ne, Hiashi-sama." Kakashi walked out of the room.

--------------------

"Oi, Hana-san. Hiashi wants to talk to you for a moment. Don't worry, he's not going to go back on the punishment, he just wants to talk to you for a moment," he added at the look on her face.

"O-ok." She turned back her blonde companion. "Sorry about that. I got your jacket all wet, didn't I?

Naruto just scratched the back of his head. "Hey, don't worry about it! Everyone needs a good cry every now and then."

The Inuzuka girl laughed a little. "I guess so. I'll see you later, Naruto-kun."

"Yup! See ya!"

Hana walked away.

"We were perfectly safe, weren't we?"

"Yup."

Naruto sighed. "I thought so. Hiashi's not so dumb as to try and part an Inuzuka and her dogs. Even if Hana didn't disagree, the rest of her clan still would, and as powerful as the Hyuuga are, they would still lose clout if they tried to pick a fight with the other clans."

Kakashi was impressed. "You really thought this through, didn't you?"

"Heh. If I'm gunna be Hokage some day, I gotta think about these things."

"That, and you were trying to rationalize the reason that you didn't get executed just now."

Naruto sighed. "I'm getting tired of people hating me, Sensei. My original reason for wanting to become Hokage was for the respect. I didn't want anyone to look down on me anymore, to see me as something other than just "Demon Brat." But after the Mizuki incident, I thought back on things, and realized that, protecting people made me feel good. Protecting my precious person made me feel like the top of the world, you know? So that's my new reason for wanting to become Hokage, to protect my people. But…"

"But?" Naruto was on a roll, and there was no way Kakashi was going to interrupt him now.

"But it's hard. It's hard to want to protect the people who hate your guts. It's hard to drive back the need to spite the people who hate me, just because I know it's wrong."

Kakashi stared up at the clouds for a moment. "Haa, well, it'll get easier as life goes on. Eventually, you'll get in the good graces of the villagers. All it takes is a little effort."

Naruto grunted noncommittally. "Yeah, 'cause effort's all I got."

"Now Naruto, don't say that. You learned two high level techniques in the space of three hours, then put them to almost full use right after."

"Yeah, but then there's people like Sasuke! People who were born geniuses! They've got talent coming out of their asses! The village's precious "Sasuke-kun" graduated at the top of our class, and yet I was the dobe! How does a dobe learn such powerful techniques like that in that short amount of time?!"

Kakashi sighed. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but…" He steeled himself. "Perhaps you should pay a visit to Gai's team. Tomorrow after team training, I'm going to take you to meet team 9, from last year. They've got a person on that team just like you, so I think you'll get along just fine."

Naruto calmed down for a moment. Then he perked up as he remembered something. "But what about my punishment?"

"Hiashi said that you were to report to him after your sensei was done with you. That basically means that I can hold on to you for however long I want to. So stick around after team training tomorrow, ok?"

Sigh. "Fine, Sensei. Whatever you say."

Kakashi eye smiled. "Come on, Naruto, cut me a little slack. You know I mean well."

"Heh. Alright. I guess getting all angsty about stuff doesn't really fit my character, huh?"

Chuckle. "No, Naruto. It's pretty much the opposite of who you are."

-------------------

Naruto opened the door to his apartment and removed his sandals. "Tadaima." It was a uselsess gesture, he knew. No one would ever return the greeting anyway. Oh well.

Stepping into his kitchen area, he put a pot of water to boil, and pulled some packaged God from his cupboard. He knew Ramen was actually God, because every time he picked up a package, a mysterious light shone from above, even though he had no lighting in his kitchen. That, and he always heard that annoying choir.

He wished those guys would shut up sometimes.

His water began to boil, so he tore open the package and dumped its contents into that scalding liquid, ignorant or deaf to the dying screams of the Kami trapped in the plastic, and the horror-filled shrieks of the Celestial choir.

C'mon, it's not like they're real or anything.

His refrigerator started shaking back and forth. He went and opened it up. "HEY! QUIET DOWN IN THERE! I'M TRYING TO EAT!"

The fridge stopped shaking.

After finishing up his Delicious Ca- er Ramen, he put his dishes into the sink, and went off to bed.

-------------------

"Ahh, Naruto-sama. I was wondering when you were going to show up."

Naruto sat bolt upright. A drop of liquid splashed on his forehead. Blinking away the moisture in his eyes, he looked around. "Where am I?"

"You are in your own head! Weird, huh?"

Weird, indeed. He was in what appeared to be an old sewer. A thin sheen of water covered all of the walls, and pipes lined the corners. At least three inches of water covered the floor, drifting along in one direction or another lazily.

"Are you coming or not, Naruto-sama?"

His eyes darted around, but he could find no sign of the voice. "Who's there? And WHY THE HELL AM I IN A FUCKIN' SEWER?!"

The voice just laughed. "Come on, Naruto-sama, don't tell me you don't even recognize my voice."

Something in Naruto's head clicked. "Naruko-chan?"

Two fluffy pillows pushed onto the top of his head. "WEEEEE!!! Welcome to your mind, Naruto-sama!"

Naruto looked up, between the fleshy wonders covering his head, at the girl that lay beyond them. "Why is my mind a sewer?"

Naruko snickered. "Heh heh. Heh. Your mind's a sewer. Heh heh heh."

Palm, meet face. "Ok, I admit, I walked into that one. Can you answer the question now, please?"

Naruko wrapped her arms around Naruto's head in a squishy bear hug. "Naruto-sama has had such a harsh life that his mind is so messed up! That's why your mindscape is dirty and smelly."

"'ee, 'hanks, 'an I 'ave 'y 'ead 'ack 'ease?"

"Eh? Ah, sorry Naruto-sama!" She released her master. Naruto took is huge gulps of air to refuel his spent lungs. "Thank you… Ah!"

Naruko grabbed his arm and started dragging him down one of the hallways. "C'mon, Naruto-sama, I want to show you something!"

"Waaahh!!! At least let me walk on my own!!!"

------------------

Four hallways, three sets of stairs, and many, many bruises and scrapes later, they came upon a large wooden door.

"Ooowwww…"

"Oh, quit whining, Naruto-sama, they're just scrapes. Now, c'mon!"

Naruto got to his feet gingerly. "Just scrapes, she says. Some of those stairs were almost vertical."

Naruko pushed the door open slowly. Naruto immediately noticed the menacing and hate-filled aura permeating the room. He also noticed a slight red haze floating just above the water. "What is this place?"

Naruko looked solemn. "This is the seal room."

"Nani?"

A pair of blood red, slitted eyes opened in the darkness ahead of them. **"KIT…COME CLOSER…"**

"Ah…Naruto-sama, I wouldn't do that…"

Ignoring the warning, just like he ignored most anything else in the room, Naruto started forward towards the massive gate at the end of the room. He knew immediately who those malevolent eyes belonged to.

Intent on visiting ear shattering punishment on upon the gate to the fox, he was instead almost shanked on the fox's humungous claws.

CLANGGGGG

Naruto landed on his butt, as the full form of the fox revealed itself. Taller than the Hokage monument, tails as long as it's main body, fur a fiery rust red.

And those eyes…

"**DAMN SEAL...IF NOT FOR IT, I WOULD HAVE EATEN YOU BY NOW!"**

Naruto regained his bearings, and launched back at the fox, "FUCK YOU, BAKA-KITSUNE!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN SCARE ME!? I'VE BEEN PUTTING UP WITH THE _SHIT_ THAT YOU'VE BROUGHT ME FROM THE VILLAGERS FOR _ALL OF MY LIFE!!"_ Here he pulled down his pants and thrust his pelvis forward. "SO _SUCK IT!!!"_

The great fox roared in response. At point blank range, the blast from the noise rocketed Naruto back to the other end of the atrium. "Naruto-sama!"

Naruko ran up to Naruto's side and knelt next to him. "Naruto-sama, you shouldn't do such things! Look carefully at him. Right between his eyes."

"Eh?" Naruto looked back upon the wrathful fox spirit. "I don't see…wait a minute."

There, right in the middle of the Kyuubi's eyes, was a small seal. Naruto had missed it at first, because a). he was pissed beyond the point of reason, and b). because the seal was just that small, no bigger than the palm of his hand.

Naruto got back to his feet. By that point, the Kyuubi had stopped roaring, and was regarding the orange boy with hungry, bestial eyes. Naruto walked back up the front of the cage, and peered intently at the fox. The fox in turn lowered its head to look more closely at the blonde.

Off to the side, Naruko likened the scene to a human and an alien staring at each other through a window. It made her giggle.

Naruto examined the seal on the huge creature's forehead. It looked a bit like the Hyuuga clan symbol, the orange flame. It seemed to be a small flame, surrounded on four sides by a small wavy line. He noted then, that the whole seal was indeed only about as big as his palm. It also glowed a deep purple.

"**THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?"**

"Hmph. Nothing much, obviously."

The Kyuubi growled again, but before it could make any kind of retort, Naruko ran up. "Naruto-sama, we should leave! Like NOW! Please! You've already seen what I wanted to show you, and it's getting bright out, so you should wake up now."

"Ah? Oh crap! I still need to finish training Konohamaru! See ya later, Naruko-chan!" He faded from view.

Naruko huffed. "And I wanted to play, too…" She ran up to the bars and began kicking them. "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, BAKA-KITSUNE!!"

-----------------------

Naruto jumped out of his bed and went about his morning wake-up routine as quickly as possible. After possibly the coldest shower he had ever taken, he changed into his normal attire and bolted out the window.

…landing right on top of a brown-haired goddess.

A very _soft_ brown-haired goddess. In all the right places.

"AH! Sorry ma'am, I wasn't looking where I was going!"

The "lady" laughed, before poofing. Konohamaru crawled out of the smoke, still laughing his ass off.

"Oh my god, that was great! I got you so good!" He continued to gloat, until a fist made contact with his skull cap with a loud "CLANG!"

"You little bastard!"

"Itai…"

"That was pretty good."

"Eh?"

"Heh heh heh. Where'd you get the material? Sakura-chan visit you?"

Konohamaru began picking his nose disinterestedly. "Nah, I just swiped a copy of that Icha Icha thing from Gramps' desk."

"HONORABLE GRANDSON, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING SO IRRESPONSABLE!"

Both boys flinched. _'Not this jackass again.' 'Oh no! why did he have to catch me now, of all times?!'_

The dark blue-clad man landed in front of the two troublemakers.

"Honorable Grandson, how could you steal something off of Hokage-sama's own desk?! AND YOU!" He pointed at Naruto. "How dare you, scum! How DARE you corrupt the Honorable Hokage's Grandson like this?!"

You know that interesting little vein that everyone seems to have on their forehead? The one that can withstand enormous amounts of blood pressure, despite how much blood is actually coursing through it?

Well, it started throbbing on Naruto's head.

In the meantime, Ebisu had latched onto Konohamaru's scarf, and was pulling the small boy away. "Come away from that garbage, Honorable Grandson! I need to get you away from him so I can fix all the damage he's inflicted upon you!"

Konohamaru pulled away as hard as he could. "NO! He's my Boss, and he's already taught me a lot more than you have!" He strained some more, and the tall man strained more again. Interestingly enough, Ebisu seemed to forget the fact that he was both bigger and stronger than the nine year old boy, and could probably have just picked him up and carried him off. Yeah, Ebisu's smart like that.

"Boss?! Don't be ridiculous! That trash couldn't have taught you more than I, a special Jounin sensei, could have! Now come away from him! It's obvious that his influence is corrupting you!"

"NO!!" Konohamaru pulled some more, and finally something gave.

RRRRIP!

Konohamaru fell forward, the bigger part of his scarf still in Ebisu's hands.

Ebisu was stunned.

"H-Honorable Grandson…"

Konohamaru got up from the ground and brushed himself off. He then turned and confronted Ebisu. "I'll give you proof of what Naruto-nii-san has taught me!" He put his hand into the ram seal. "Henge: Orioke no Jutsu!" Konohamaru poofed.

"Ebisu-samaaa, won't you come play with me?" A sultry voice echoed from out of the smoke. The chakra smoke dissipated, to reveal…

a bombshell.

Ebisu was gobsmacked.

After he'd rehinged his jaw (an extremely painful process), Ebisu threw a fit. "HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT SUCH A WASTE OF CHAKRA WOULD WORK ON ME?! I am a civilized man, and there is no way such an indecent…t-thing would work against ME!"

The vein grew, just a little. "HEY! It worked against Sandaime-Oji-chan! Maybe you're just gay?"

"EXCUSE ME?! This coming from the mouth of the piece of trash that spawned such a crude technique in the first place?! Living on the streets must have tainted your mind even more than it already was, Fox!"

The world fell silent. A chill wind blew through the street, as multiple onlookers quickly began to retreat. A cold sweat broke out on Ebisu's face, and even the re-maled Konohamaru shivered.

"Oh, _Hell_ No."

Naruto's enormous chakra reserves burst into frenzy, and erupted from his pores. "Now I KNOW you didn't just call me 'Fox,' because NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would do something so stupid, RIGHT in the middle of the street, no less! There's NO WAY that the GENIUS ELITE JOUNIN SENSEI would do something SO asinine as to step over the line into TREASON!"

The chakra flared some more.

"He ALSO wouldn't be dumb enough to call Naruko-chan TRASH right in front of me, WOULD HE?" Naruto continued to rage. **"Let me at him, Naruto-sama! I wanna show him just what this **_**trash**_** can do!"**

The chakra flare abruptly stopped. The grin on Naruto's face was…eerie, to say the least.

---------------------------

In another part of Konoha, a spikey blonde-haired civilian with multiple piercings in his ears began laughing his ass off for no apparent reason. "Neh, Hiruma, are you alright? You're scaring the others…" "Shut it, Fuckin' Fatty. I just feel like laughing. NOW GET BACK TO TRAINING!" He let fly a barrage of bullets from the Browning .50 he held in one hand. Cuz Hiruma's awesome like that.

--------------------------

"Ebisu-san, you have just stepped on the fox's tail." Ebisu started, his eyes widening. Naruto's grin just became more feral. "A curse be upon you."

The words _echoed._

The chakra buildup was nothing special. The movement of Naruto's hands into the inverted ram seal bespoke of no impending doom. The innocuous poof didn't even signal Ebisu's end.

"Ebiiiiiiiiisu-kuuuuuuun…" THAT sealed his fate.

A shadow slowly materialized in the chakra-laden fog. It heaved and whirled with the air currents, but never seemed to dissipate.

Despite the movement of the air and the fog, the area was dead still. Not a single leaf twitched. One could almost say that the air grew _heavy._ The Killing Intent seeping through the air like blood through water.

The fog shifted, and a leg stepped out of it. A long, slender, _womanly_ leg. Another stepped out. A torso appeared, covered in blonde hair just enough to leave the slightest amount to the imagination.

Naruko made her way down the street, which had seemingly grown impossibly long. Her long hair, besides the two locks that concealed her front, trailed behind her in soft golden waves. Her eyes bespoke violence and temptation; death and lust. With every death-filled step, billows of fog danced around her feet like hell hounds. It was a captivating sight.

"Ebisu-kun," step "you didn't actually_ mean"_ step "any of those _hurtful_ words," step "did you?" step

She brought the _wickedly_ curved knife in her right hand up to her mouth, and licked along the edge. Her tongue bled clean, and crimson ichor trailed down the edge. She just held the knife closer, and kissed the flat of the blade, covering her lips with blood.

Step. Step. Step.

He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't _think,_ except for 'RUN!' But his legs couldn't, or wouldn't, move. As frightened as he was by the visage before him, he was also entranced, in a twisted sense. Killing Intent had mired Ebisu's world in cold death, and all he saw was the beautiful demoness before him. Her bloody knife was clutched to her breast erotically, leaving red smears all across her chest.

His northern brain screamed "DAAAAANGER!!!" while his southern brain screamed "FFFFUUUUUCCCKK!!!" Needless to say, he was _this_ close to freaking the hell out.

Naruko was only a couple steps away now. She grinned sultrily, and faked a stumble, falling flush against her terrified victim. Her arms, knife and all, wrapped around his neck and brought his face closer to hers. "Cuz if you did mean all those _hateful, spiteful_ words, I might just decide that my feelings got hurt."

Ebisu felt a prick on the back of his head, just under the knot of his skull.

"And Hell knows no wrath like a woman scorned, right Ebisu-kun?"

She giggled perversely. "Of course, since I'm still a Konoha citizen, I wouldn't kill you outright." She brought the knife from behind him. "But that doesn't mean I won't…_punish_ you for being _naughty_."

Ebisu felt a tug on his pants, and found the tip of the wickedly sharp, crimson edged knife prying at the button holding his pants up. He still couldn't move anything more than his eyes though, so he could only watch, as his pants dropped, and his tip peeked out of the hole in his boxers.

A breath against his ear, "and I can be a cruel mistress."

"GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Ebisu's scream dispelled the horrible pall lingering in the air. His vision snapped back into sharp relief as his groin erupted in pain. He pushed her violently away and covered his crotch. A sliver of blood dripped down his finger onto the street.

"Oh, stop whining, ya pansy. All I did was knick the tip. There won't even be a scar left over when it heals."

"Y-Y-Y-YOU CUT MY-"

"Yeah, yeah, no need to go shouting it out to the world now." She winked. "Unless you're into that sort of thing?"

"Enough, Naruko-chan. God, I think I'm about to vomit…"

"Naruto-bun, is she like that all the time?"

"By the gods, what have I unleashed?"

Naruko turned around and looked at the two green-in-the-face boys hunched over on the ground. "Oh, stop being such drama queens. All I did was knick him a little."

"A LITTLE?!" Both boys pointed back at the bespectacled man writing around on the street. Blood was pouring comically out of both his nose and his penis. He looked slightly pale.

"What is going on here?" "EEP!"

Everyone looked down the street at the man in the red and white robes, looking shocked and slightly sick at the scene before him.

Naruto and Konohamaru snapped to attention. "Err, hi, uh, H-Hokage-sama! Umm, we were just, uhh…" "Sparring!" "Yeah, sparring! Ebisu-san challenged us to a spar, and then-" "Knock it off, Naruto. I know you're lying." The old man pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why did I stop carrying pain killers again?" he sighed.

Walking over to the prostrate man, the Hokage bent over and examined the other man's wounds. He then looked hard up at the blonde girl trying her best and failing miserably to look innocent. "Only a woman would have the kind of twisted mind capable of mutilating a man's…manhood. Why did you do this?" He sounded almost as if her were in pain himself.

"But, Hokage-donooo, he deserved it!" The wizened old man didn't seem impressed.

"Jiji, he called me "Fox" right in the middle of the street! And he called Naruko-chan "trash!" He really did deserve it!"

Sarutobi Hiruzen just massaged his temples. "Wow, I'm gunna be hittin' the sake hard tonight." He stood up and sighed. "Well since he did step rather close to the line of treason, I'm letting you two off this time. YOU, however, little man…" Here he pointed at his grandson and held out his hand. "Give."

Konohamaru shuffled forward and pulled the orange book out of his back pocket. He was immediately whacked in the head by said book. "Don't be taking stuff offa my desk, ya brat! Now go back to your Uncle Asuma's apartment. We'll see what he decides."

Konohamaru huffed. "Fine. I'll see ya later Naruto-bun, Kyoujo-nee-chan." "HEY!" "Yeah, see ya later, Gaki. See ya, Jiji. We gotta head off to morning training now. C'mon Naruko-chan." "Hai, Naruto-sama. Ja ne, Hokage-dono!" Naruko poofed, and then she was as big as a basketball. She jumped up onto Naruto's shoulder, and they walked off towards the training grounds.

The old man just sighed. "Well come on then, Ebisu. Let's get you to the hospital." Two ANBU members jumped out of nowhere and picked up the now-comatose closet pervert by the shoulders, and vanished.

"Those two are going to be the death of me."

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Kyoujo: Madwoman

Author's Notes: Alright Ladies And Gents, now that I'm actually forced to work on this project by my creative writing teacher, you can probably expect updates at a more regular pace. It wasn't really writer's block that kept me from writing, more like all the other stories seemed more interesting. So now instead of the 20000 some odd words I was anticipating, you only get around 8000. Please don't hate me.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Eyeshield 21.

Anyways, please enjoy. I haven't checked my reviews in a while so imma go look at all the flames I've gotten for seemingly abandoning my story. Rest assured, I HAVE NOT ABANDONED IT.

Ja ne.

TBC


	5. NEW Author's note

So, wow. Been a while, eh? Turns out I don't really have a reason, I'm just REALLY lazy, and haven't bothered to even log on or anything for quite a while.

At any rate, the story is dead, and I really doubt I'll have the gumption to write anything else.

BUT.

I still want to see this story written. I still think it's a good idea, and it'd be a shame to see it wasted due to my own laziness. So, this story is up for grabs for anyone with decent writing ability who wants to write it. Shoot me a pm, and I'll review some of your other work. I'd rather this story be treated well, you know?

Anyway, the story is basically just a slight powerup for Naruto, with the extra, explainer-technique for having solid transformations, to make them a concrete part of the actual plot, instead of whatever the hell they are in the manga; and putting his skill and imagination in pranking to use in making his new jutsus using the Kotei Henge and Kage Bunshin combination. The idea is that he likes big and flashy in canon, right? Well that's gonna translate into this story as well.

As far as pairings go, I originally planned for a slow-building, more serious look at a harem (yes, I know, 'serious' and 'harem' are a little bit at odds), and I'd prefer it to stay that way, since it's been a while since I've read a DECENT harem (not since Thundereaper's "Dichotomy of Namikaze Naruto, which is dead).

I can beta the story, and I realize that large chunks of it seem... off, so feel free to rewrite to how you feel it should be. Characters should stay in-character. I have a few ideas for jutsus using the Henge/Bunshin combo in mind, if you have trouble thinking of any. I had planned on Naruto to acquire more clone- and henge-based jutsus later on, through training, likely in place of the training during Wave and the Chuunin exams (combination henge with a whole bunch of shadow clones to make a GIANT NARUTO to fight Shukaku! WEEEEEE).

So yeah, I don't want to write the story, but I still want a hand in it's creation. Is that bad of me? It seems selfish, for some reason...


End file.
